(California Court of Appeal) – In a Chapter 7 bankruptcy case, held that when the nature of a debt is such that its discharge will directly and adversely impact the finances of the debtor’s spouse or former spouse, it is nondischargeable in bankruptcy, even if it is not directly payable to the spouse. Affirmed the district court.
The first five steps towards getting a divorce
The beginning of January sparks a surge in divorce enquiries so we decided to ask our specialist divorce lawyers, what steps you need to take first if you have decided to get a divorce or separate after a long-term relationship.
The top 5 are below.
Take a step back
First, take a step. Is the marriage irreparable? Have you tried couple counselling? Christmas is a mix of happiness and tension so if emotions have run away over the festive season make sure you take stock and think through your decision. It will affect the rest of your life.
Find your marriage certificate
If you decide that divorce is the right thing for you then the first step is to find your marriage certificate. You will need this to start divorce proceedings. And it cannot be a photocopy. Don’t panic if you cannot find it. You can order a replacement online here.
Prioritise the children
Put the children first and be mindful of them in every decision you make. Even though the relationship has broken down you will still need to co-parent and work with your partner. This will be so much easier if where possible, you are amicable. Try to not lose sight of this if tensions flare.
Get your finances in order
To work out an equal split of finances and assets you need to have a clear picture of the marital pot. Make a list of assets, liabilities and income (earnings, property values, mortgage, loans, credit and store cards, savings and pensions) as best you and gather together all the relevant paperwork.
You will need all of this information to complete Form E, which requires you to set out a full financial disclosure of all assets and financial resources so it is worth pulling it together now.
Consult a divorce lawyer
Every case is different, so the best advice is to get professional legal advice as soon as you can. It is important that you make the call and make an appointment.
Planning for your meeting will help you feel prepared for that first meeting. You will feel anxious but having a clear idea about what information you need and questions to ask will help you feel more in control.
Think about your journey times, where to park etc so you are not rushing. We always recommend that you do not bring your children. Any paperwork that you can gather and take with you is helpful and will help the case to progress quickly. The work that you undertook in step 4 will ensure you are ahead of the process in your first meeting.
Divorce is never easy and there is no magic solution so make sure you get the support that you need. Counselling and divorce coaching are both great tools to help you manage the anxiety and stress it can cause. Be mindful of your needs and the children’s needs and where possible, prepare and plan. Compromise also goes a long way.
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The year of Stowe: A review of 2018 by Senior Partner, Julian Hawkhead
It’s that time again for the annual review as commentators across the world look at the good, the bad and the unforgettable moments of 2018.
This year brought us a heatwave, a World Cup, political chaos over Brexit by the bucket load and Donald Trump gaslighting America with his fake news and lies. (You can read more in my article here.)
For Stowe, 2018 has been a pivotal year in the growth and development of our business. I have shared the best bits with you below.
We started the new year with a new solicitor Cheryl Grace our Harrogate team.
In February we opened our 14th office in Bristol, welcoming Jemma Slavin, Rachel Fisher and the team to the business. They have certainly hit the ground running, building an impressive reputation in a stunning office (it definitely wins the prize for most beautiful building), developing community ties and Rachel was recognised with her nomination for Junior Lawyer of the Year at the Bristol Legal Awards.
In March and April, we expanded our team in London with solicitor Roz Lidder and in Winchester, with Senior Solicitor Paul Linsdell joining us. We also promoted seven staff internally at the end of another successful financial year.
In May, Emma Newman, the Managing Partner in our Esher office was recognised for her exceptional work with a nomination for the Lawyer of the Year at the SLS Awards.
As the heatwave continued in June, we moved our Wilmslow team into larger premises to accommodate the growing team. It is now in a much more convenient location opposite the station with free parking available to clients. In the capital, we opened our second London office at the prestigious address of 128 Buckingham Palace Road, just a 3-minute walk from Victoria Station and headed up by Phoebe Turner. Back up north, a new solicitor, Camilla Burton-Baddeley joined the team in Altrincham.
In July, our team expansion continued with a new Senior Solicitor, Sarah Hodges joining the team in Esher whilst in Reading, we opened our 15th office and welcomed Naheed Taj who was joined by Mark Chapman, a Partner from our Winchester office. The office is located at One Valpy and overlooks the beautiful Forbury Gardens.
In Leeds, the Stowe team moved offices to the Minerva buildings in the heart of the city due to a growing team. It now has ten lawyers (including myself) and is the largest family team in the city. Down in St Albans, Senior Solicitor Bindu Bansal joined the team whilst over in the new London Victoria office, Solicitor Jonathan Day joined the team.
I also had the pleasure of participating in the Ride London 100-mile bike ride for Beating Bowel cancer. Despite several months of training in glorious sunshine, the big day itself experienced rainfall of biblical proportions. I guess that added to the fun!
At the beginning of August and peak holiday time, we had the great news we had been shortlisted for three Yorkshire Legal Awards (we went on to win two but more about that later. This month also saw two new appointments at the Manchester office with Michelle Ashworth joining us as Senior Solicitor and Gareth Curtis, promoted to Managing Partner.
As the schools went back in September, it was a month of new starters across the firm. Solicitor Rebecca Coates joined our Tunbridge Wells office, Surrogacy specialist and Solicitor Bethan Cleal joined Winchester and Solicitor Rachel Darrell, joined the Manchester office. At the end of the month, Solicitor Hannah Ross joined the team in Leeds.
Not to be outdone, Charles, our Chief Executive entered an endurance event, a mountain marathon, running some 40 miles up, down and all over the Lake District in baking heat.
October brought autumn and some slightly cooler weather. It also saw Matthew Miles; a new Senior Solicitor join the Harrogate team and Senior Solicitor Kaleel Anwar join the Manchester office. In Nottingham, we opened our first office in The Midlands. Headed up by Sushma Kotecha, the office became our 17th office in the UK.
This month also saw us meet in Birmingham for the Stowe annual conference. With a year-on-year increase in the company’s lawyer team of 40%, there were lots of new faces to meet. At the conference, we launched our mental health awareness initiative which will see a Mental Health First Aider or Champion trained and in place in each of our offices. We were also joined by four good friends and highly esteemed barristers from 1 Kings Bench Walk who presented on a wide variety of topical family law subjects including Philip Marshall QC talking about his involvement in the Owens case and James Turner QC talking about the Waggott case. Our afternoon team building event was great fun though somehow, I ended up wrapped like a mummy in loo roll. Though my team also won!
In the middle of October, we celebrated winning two awards at the Yorkshire Legal Awards: Family Law Firm of the Year and The Rising Star Award for Solicitor Charlotte Newman. It was a great pleasure to receive this recognition for the Yorkshire teams and shows the great progress we have made in enhancing our reputation as a team to be reckoned with that delivers excellent service and results for our clients.
I also took great pride in watching Charlotte receive her award having trained her through her training contract. Having been a trainee in the firm myself and seeing so many of our former trainees become managing partners or partners in the firm it’s fantastic that we are building a strong foundation for the future.
And finally, at the end of October, we launched our specialist domestic and international surrogacy law service whilst attending the National Fertility Show. Family law has so many facets to it. Divorce and relationship breakdown is upsetting and disruptive though we try our best to help people look towards a brighter future, however our adoption and surrogacy work are also incredibly rewarding for our lawyers as well as life-changing for our clients.
November brought another award win as we successfully won the Law Firm of the Year at the Elite Business Awards in Leeds. We welcomed Solicitor Maria Coster to the new team in Nottingham and in Birmingham, we opened our 18th office, our second in The Midlands this year. Headed up by Rebecca Calden-Storr and joined by Shelley De’Worringham shortly afterwards, the team is already making inroads into the market and establishing a name for itself.
And now, before we know it, we are nearing the end of December. Having the time to sit back and take stock makes us all realise what we have achieved and what a remarkable year it has been for us.
What I am particularly proud of is that we have a strong team spirit with no egos. Everybody in the firm is valued for the role they play and contributes to the success of the business. We are all committed to helping our clients and each other.
As the largest family law firm in the UK, we will continue to push the boundaries of excellent service and results for our clients across the whole country. As we continue to grow in 2019, we will be supported by the significant resources of a national firm but delivered at a local level.
But it is not just about us. Throughout the year we have worked hard to give something back to the communities where we have offices. We have sponsored youth cricket clubs, the Ilkley Literary Festival, Wetherby Stage Stars, The Winchester Hat Festival, St Albans Film Festival and the Reading Santa walk.
Our people have run half-marathons, walked 10K’s, ridden 100 miles, collected Christmas gifts, baby clothes and travelled to Kenya, all to raise money for charities including St Michael’s Hospice, The Sick Children’s Trust, make a Will month, Little Bundles, Save the Children and the Alzheimer’s Society.
So, what will 2019 bring us, well that would be telling so keep watching this space.
Lastly, may I thank you as readers of this blog for your loyal following and wishing you all a peaceful, healthy and prosperous New Year.
Julian
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Author: Julian Hawkhead
2018: The year we looked to the future by John Bolch
This year I will keep my review of the year mercifully short. Not only will I limit it to one post, I am only going to mention my top five stories of the year, stories that will all make a difference to families and family justice in the future, one way or another. In fact, as I put this together I realised that I am not so much looking back, as looking forward. Accordingly, I decided that the best way to review 2018 was to peer into my trusty crystal ball to look at 2019…
Story 1: I see a future in which couples can divorce without animosity.
I will begin with the obvious one, and the one that I suspect most commentators would agree is the most significant family law story of the year: reform of the law on divorce.
The mists are clearing. I see a 69 year-old woman. She looks very sad and frustrated. She is desperate to rid herself of an unhappy marriage. However, she still has to wait another year before she can at last divorce her husband, on the basis that they have now been separated for five years. She had tried previously to divorce her husband on the basis of his ‘unreasonable behaviour’, but he defended her petition, and the law said she could not have her divorce, thereby trapping her in a loveless marriage.
The mists are returning. The woman fades, and then returns. This time she looks happy. The law has changed! She no longer has to blame her husband for the breakdown of the marriage! She just has to file a statement with the court saying that the marriage has broken down, and there is no longer any such thing as a defended divorce. She can finally get on with her life.
The woman’s name, of course, is Tini Owens.
Story 2: I see a future in which all are treated equally.
Civil partnership for opposite-sex couples.
Somewhere in the cloudy depths of my crystal ball I spy a young couple. They are a very principled couple. They want to enter into a legal relationship, but they consider the institution of marriage to be patriarchal and sexist. Ideally, they would like to enter into a civil partnership, but until now that option has only been open to same-sex couples.
But what is this I see? The couple are undergoing a ceremony at a Register Office. Surely, they have not disregarded their principles and decided to marry after all?
I listen to what the Registrar says. This is not a marriage, but a civil partnership! The happy couple beam at one another as the ceremony ends.
Their names, of course, are Rebecca Steinfeld and Charles Keidan.
Story 3: Do I see a new course being plotted?
A new President of the Family Division.
As I peer deeply into my crystal ball I see the fog clearing. I am at some sort of conference. The next speaker is being announced – it is the President of the Family Division!
But what is this? This is not the familiar face we know and love. This is a new face. It is, of course, the face of Sir Andrew McFarlane.
What will Sir Andrew say? Will he announce some new initiative to reform family justice? Will he plot a new course for those involved in the family justice system? Will he, indeed, be as ‘hands on’ as his predecessor? The audience eagerly await what he has to say.
Unfortunately, the fog returns as he begins to speak. We will just have to wait to hear what he says.
Story 4: I see a better way of dealing with financial disputes.
As I look into my crystal ball all is murky. I can barely make out what is taking place. It seems to be some sort of arcane ritual, with those present unsure what is going to happen to them.
Ah, then I realise what has happened. My crystal ball is stuck in the present, watching a financial remedies case being heard in a family court in 2018. I give the crystal a clean, and it moves forward a year.
That’s much better. The court is now run by specialists, who help most of the couples settle their cases by agreement. And those cases that don’t settle are decided in a far more predictable way, consistent with other such courts around the country.
Both lawyers and litigants in person have a better idea what to expect when they go to court to sort out financial remedy claims!
Story 5: I see a brave new paperless world.
The view in my crystal ball is hazy, but the haze is clearing. I see a lawyer sitting at her desk, her eyes fixed on the computer screen in front of her.
I can now make out the words on the screen. The lawyer is filing a divorce petition on behalf of her client.
I watch as she submits the petition. I look on jealously as it is accepted, remembering how long it used to take me to issue a divorce petition by post, and how the court would so often come up with some trivial reason to reject it, causing further delay.
The lawyer quickly turns to another client’s file on her computer (I can’t see any paper files anywhere). This time she is applying for a decree absolute. The application is gone in moments…
____________
OK, I realise that I may be somewhat optimistic as far as the timing of some of these changes goes. We may, of course, have to wait until beyond 2019 for no-fault divorce, civil partnerships for opposite-sex couples, country-wide financial remedy courts and a fully digitised divorce system. Still, at least we can dream…
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Author: John Bolch
A week in family law: Caseloads, mediation and grandparents’ rights
A week in family law
The latest figures for care applications and private law demand, for November 2018, have been published by Cafcass. In that month the service received a total of 1,214 new care applications, 1.2 per cent less than November 2017. The total number of new public law cases during the current year (since April 2018) is running at just under 2 per cent lower than last year. As to private law demand, Cafcass received a total of 4,111 new private law cases, which is 9.1% higher than November 2017. The total number of new private law cases during the current year (since April 2018) is running at nearly 3 per cent higher than last year. So the pattern seems to be becoming clearer: modest decreases in public law cases, but modest increases in private law cases.
Still on the subject of statistics, the latest ones for legal aid, for the quarter July to September 2018, have been published by the Ministry of Justice and the Legal Aid Agency. Amongst other things, the statistics showed that Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (‘MIAM’) volumes were 5% lower than in the same quarter of 2017, and that mediation starts decreased by 3%, and are now running at just under half the levels they were at prior to legal aid being abolished for most private law family matters in 2013. A stunning success for the government’s policy to fill the void left by abolishing legal aid with more cases being settled by mediation. Of course, as has been pointed out many times, the main reason for fewer mediations is that solicitors used to ‘direct’ many cases into mediation, but were taken ‘out of the loop’ by the abolition of legal aid. Perhaps that fact might encourage the government to restore legal aid for early advice, when it finally gets round to finishing its legal aid review in the New Year.
Perhaps the most notable thing shown by the legal aid statistics with regard to family matters, however, is the ‘bottom line’, i.e. the total expenditure during the period. The statistics show that the total family law legal aid expenditure during the quarter was some £138 million, with public law work accounting for some £116 million, and private law work some £22 million. These figures demonstrate just how little (comparatively) is now spent on legal aid for private law family matters. More importantly, however, they show just how costly public law legal aid is, an indication of the scale of the problem of children needing protection in this country.
Moving on, it has been reported that grandparents (and aunts and uncles) may get more ‘access’ rights, under plans being considered by the government. Leaving aside the fact that the term ’access’ was replaced by the term ‘contact’ nearly thirty years ago, the story is that Justice Minister Lucy Frazer QC has agreed to look at the rules allowing grandchildren to maintain contact with grandparents after parental separation, following pressure from MPs and campaigning groups. Specifically, campaigners seem to want two changes: a presumption in favour of contact between the child and its close relatives, and the removal of the requirement for such relatives to have to obtain the leave of the court before they can apply for a child arrangements (i.e. contact) order. As to the former, a presumption didn’t make any real difference when it was introduced in relation to parents (it was never going to), and it won’t make any real difference in relation the grandparents/aunts/uncles. As to the latter, is this even news? I seem to recall this being raised a while back. Whatever, the ‘leave’ stage is really little more than a formality in most grandparent contact cases, so again I can’t see that removing it will make much difference.
And finally, yet more statistics for your delectation. Or perhaps not. Experimental statistics on cases processed under the 2012 statutory child maintenance scheme administered by the Child Maintenance Service, between August 2013 and September 2018, have been published, courtesy of the Department for Work and Pensions. I was going to make some pithy comment upon the statistics, but the bacchanalian delights of the holiday season beckon, so I will leave it to you to read them yourself if you so wish, here.
Have a great Xmas and New Year break.
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Author: John Bolch
What does EastEnders tell us about divorce and Christmas?
Let’s be honest, there is no such thing as a merry Christmas in EastEnders with the Christmas Day episode now famous for its dramatic events from tragic deaths to murders to illicit affairs.
But when a recent poll placed the Max and Stacey’s affair reveal from 2007 as the most shocking soap Christmas moment it highlighted that most of them are based on family and relationships dramas.
The Den & Angie divorce
Back in 1986, approximately 30.1 million viewers tuned in on Christmas Day to watch Den serve Angie divorce papers, sealing its position as one of the most popular and shocking soap moments.
Taking place next to the crisp boxes in the Queen Vic, Den informs Angie that he has a letter from his solicitor saying he has filed a petition for divorce and that she needs to get one herself, quickly. Well, at least he gave some good advice.
Possibly served on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, Angie had feigned a terminal illness to keep the marriage going but had revealed all in a drunken conversation on the Orient Express that Den overheard.
So, can you file for a divorce using this as a reason? Specialist family lawyer, Sarah Jane Lenihan from our London Victoria office explains:
In order to file for a divorce in England you need to prove to the court that the marriage has irretrievably broken down which has to be based on one of five facts:
Adultery
Behaviour of such a nature that you cannot be expected to live with them
Desertion
2 years separation with consent
5 years separationIf Den had been my client I would have advised him that we could file a divorce based on her behaviour if he felt he could no longer live with her. If not, he would need to wait for two years and even then, it would require Angie’s consent
I would draft a petition for Den including how Angie’s behaviour has impacted him. I often see dishonesty as a key factor in behaviour petitions whether it is like Angie being dishonest about health/debts/where or who they are spending their time with or dishonesty around addiction whether it be drugs/alcohol or sex.
The Max & Stacey affair
Another memorable Christmas Day moment was in 2007 when the affair between Max and Stacey, who was rather awkwardly married to Max’s son Bradley at the time, was revealed.
Having been caught on camera a few months earlier, the scene somehow made it onto the wedding video which was shown to the whole family in the living room after the presents opening. By July 2009, Stacey was shown signing her divorce papers, albeit reluctantly.
Fast forward to early 2018 and Stacey has been thrown out of her home and in a custody battle with her husband Martin over their three children after she has another short affair with Max on Christmas Eve.
This Christmas, Stacey has been reunited with Martin, but the marriage is struggling with Martin recently declaring “I want a divorce…”
Sarah Jane explains:
It is likely that Bradley issued his divorce based on Stacey’s adultery. However, this would have required Stacey’s to admit the adultery or Bradley to be able to prove it. Without either of these, Bradley would have had to consider issuing a petition on her unreasonable behaviour.
However, I often find that adultery may not have been the root cause of the marriage breaking down, adulterous relationships don’t usually begin within happy marriages. When I first meet a client, I take details of their breakup and the reasons why to assist me in providing the most appropriate approach for that individual, considering all the circumstances of the case.
I am frequently asked by clients, does adultery have any impact on your settlement or spending time with the children?
The answer to this is specific to each case however generally an act of adultery itself would not legally have an impact on either the financial outcome or the individual spending time with their children.
It can have an impact emotionally on the other party which can in turn make negotiation difficult as they feel that the other party should be ‘punished’ for their behaviour.
Relationship worries at Christmas
Christmas can easily put pressure on relationships and marriages. Dubbed Divorce Day, the first Monday in January is apparently the most popular day to start legal procedures for a divorce as marriages meltdown over the festive season.
Well, they certainly do in EastEnders….
If your relationship is struggling to survive Christmas season, the best advice is to seek early legal advice, so you know your rights from the beginning.
You can contact Sarah Jane Lenihan at the contact details below.
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Author: Sarah Jane Lenihan
Parenting Apps
Co-Parenting Woes: There’s an App for That
By Darla Jackson and Jim Calloway
Ask any parent and they will likely agree that parenting is a difficult job in the best of circumstances. Co-parenting during and after a divorce, where negative feelings and miscommunication have often been the case, increases the difficulty of focusing on the interest of the children. In today’s app-filled world, you would expect there to be apps to help with clear communication, documentation and scheduling between co-parents, and there are.
This article covers six apps that can assist with co-parenting. The use of these apps may be ordered by a court.1 Sometimes family law attorneys or other professionals recommend the apps to their clients. Divorced or separated parents may locate these tools on their own.
The relationship between the parents, the technological competence of the parents, the device and platforms the apps utilize, the likelihood the parents will use the app and available budget are all factors to be considered when choosing such an app.
FEATURES
While not an all-inclusive list, some of the features of co-parenting apps are:
- Calendars with embedded tools to create parenting schedules, record upcoming events and make requests for trades in parenting time
- Expense and payment tracking tools that allow parents to communicate about parenting costs and to attach virtual receipts
- A banking feature that allows for transfers between parents’ banking accounts for parenting-related costs such as child support or medical expenses
- A feature to maintain a record of vital family information that both parents and caregivers have access to, such as medical insurance, medication, Social Security numbers, etc.
- A message board or message feature where important topics can be discussed
- An accountability tool that dates and timestamps all messages sent as well as the date and time when those messages were viewed2
APPS
We focus on six apps. There are others and, many of the others are discussed in the articles and blogs referenced.
OurFamilyWizard
OurFamilyWizard (OFW) is perhaps one of the most often recommended3 co-parenting apps. One attorney-authored blog about the app differentiates OFW from other similar apps, indicating that “[w]hile some co-parent communication tools only facilitate messaging, the OurFamilyWizard website offers a full suite of tools to help parents create parenting schedules, log expenses, send reimbursements, and share important family information.”4 One of the more unique features offered by OFW is its ToneMeter. The ToneMeter, sometimes referred to as an “emotional spellchecker,” will “identify and flag emotionally charged sentences within your OurFamilyWizard message. As intuitive as grammar or spell-check, ToneMeter goes beyond sentiment to gauge words and phrases against eight levels of connotative feeling, allowing the end user to make real-time corrections and adjust the overall tone of messages.”5 However, ToneMeter is currently available only for communications in English.
OFW is also favored by some attorneys because it “makes it easy for professionals to work with clients. OFW Family Law Practitioner provides a way to oversee parent activity and access court-ready reports at no cost.”6 Yet, while OFW is “one of the oldest and most established of the co-parenting apps [that] … has been developing and refining their program for the last 15 years”7 it received only a 2.2 average rating in the App Store. One attorney has suggested that although he recommended OFW for several years, in part, because of the cost, he has had few clients use the app and had received no feedback from those who did.8
The cost of OFW depends on the period of subscription and the package selected. The basic subscription is $99 per year for each parent.9 A professional account is free. As described by OFW, the “professional account gives you the ability to create parent accounts, manage a database of your clients, store important client documents online (judgment and decree, court orders, etc.), communicate with your clients, create client to do lists, and much more. This account gives you the ability to see what is actually going on in your cases. All of the information is directly tied to the parent accounts that you create.”10
If you already use a practice management solution with a client portal feature, you can share documents, events and information with your client. However, a practice management solution will not facilitate communications between co-parents. For attorneys wanting to offer the app as part of the legal services provided, OFW offers volume discounts which may represent significant savings depending on the number of subscriptions purchased. For example, for a firm that provides accounts to 20 clients the package pricing is $240 less than 20 individually priced accounts.11
2Houses
2Houses has been described as “on par with Our Family Wizard and slightly less expensive.”12 2Houses offers a calendar to organize events, share information about appointments, a journal to record notes and important reminders and an expense module to manage child-related expenses for both parents.13 One of the features of 2Houses users appreciate is the ability to upload and export photo albums.
Even though it has many features, the app is described as “very user friendly, organized, and intuitive.”14The cost of 2Houses is $10 per month or $120 per year for a family, regardless of the number of family members.
AppClose
AppClose is described on one law firm blog as:
It turned out to be my top choice … First, it’s free. Second, it’s very user friendly and has most of the features to address common parenting disputes. It keeps track of messages and shows you the latest when you open the app. The shared calendar provides schedule templates, with descriptions like “Alternating weeks” and an explanation of how that schedule is followed. Parents can use a template with specified days/times and apply it to one or more children, or have the option to customize the entire parenting time schedule. Parents have the ability to create events, notify family members, and create reminders. Parents can request a parenting time trade or drop off/pick up change in the app. The reimbursement request has an option to attach an image and allows parents to keep track of their share of the expense and payments that are made.
This app includes a place to keep important, detailed information about each child, but parents will need to do some customization when it comes to organizing that information. I found this app easy to navigate and fairly intuitive after getting accustomed to it. This would be the best alternative to the subscription services … Also, this app, available at appclose.com, has a separate side for attorneys to communicate with clients and accept electronic payments.”15
AppClose is a free download from the App Store or Google Play. Additionally, as suggested previously, AppClose integrates with LawPay to allow electronic payments.16
Kidganizer
Kidganizer is suggested as “great for a couple who find it difficult to get together, either because of divorce, [difficulty communicating well face to face], or time constraints”17 or if you “have a number of people involved in the care of your children and need a central point for communication and record keeping.”18 The app provides parents with the ability to create profiles for each child and input information including scheduling and finances. Updates to the system are in real time, allowing all users of the system to have access to current information.
The cost of Kidganizer is $1.99, but the app is not available for all platforms.
CustodyJunction.com
CustodyJunction.com is designed to facilitate co-parenting arrangements both before and after the divorce. The calendar and tracking features allow parents to schedule current and future visitation and support arrangements for a significant period of time in advance (up to two years). Custody Junction also generates customized reports on topics of concern such as visitation, support payments, expenses and hours spent with a child. The customized reports can be shared with third parties, including lawyers or court-appointed professionals.19
Custody Junction is a web-based service and the service cost “is an affordable $47” for a one-year subscription.20
Talking Parents
Talking Parents is a free service described as being “designed as a secure communication system for divorced and separated parents.”21 Talking Parents primary feature is a “secure” messaging system. The system is operated so that “conversations cannot be edited or deleted, allowing for both parents to maintain a verified record of past conversations. Files can be uploaded and attached to messages as well. The system tracks when messages are sent, when parents sign in and out of the system, and when parents view each message for the first time.”22 Additionally, the system has an export feature that, for a fee, allows parents to export a transcript of past communications to a PDF file.
A standard account is available for free. Parents can upgrade to a premium account for $4.99 per month. “Premium accounts include unlimited access to PDF records; a totally ad-free experience across all devices; a 10 percent discount on printed records; and access to our new iPhone and Android apps which include new message notifications right on their mobile device. Parents can cancel Premium status anytime and their account will revert back to a Standard account.”23
SECURITY CONCERNS
The discussion of “secure” systems brings to mind a caution regarding app security. While an in-depth discussion regarding the security measures included in these types of apps is beyond the scope of this article, before ordering, recommending or adopting an app, one should inquire about the security measures employed to protect the information and carefully review the terms of service. Although Talking Parents emphasizes that the app provides a “secure” environment, its terms of service does not address encryption or legal requirements for systems containing medical records. Rather, the terms of service contain the following language:
TalkingParents.com will attempt at all times to keep your information confidential, subject to the other provisions of these Terms …. Any breach of our security measures will be the sole responsibility of the breaching party and TalkingParents.com will not be subject to any sort of liability as a result. In the event of a security breach, TalkingParents.com will make every reasonable attempt to re-secure our services and will provide an explanation of the breach upon written request.24
It should also be noted that we did not test drive all of these apps. An extensive test drive of all features would be required before recommending the app to clients. At some point a client will ask the lawyer about some function of the app and the response of “I don’t know how to use the app” will not endear the lawyer to the client who had to learn how to use it.
CONCLUSION
There are numerous apps and online resources to assist with the woes of divorcing parents and their attorneys. While tools like client portals may help with communications between clients and attorneys, these tools facilitate more neutral communications between co-parents, reducing the temptation to use their children to carry important communications.
Divorcing and divorced parents are becoming more familiar with these tools and some family law attorneys are promoting and using them as evidenced by the number of reviews and blog posts we have cited. Lawyers with technology skills might develop their own tools, integrate existing resources with their practice management systems25 or suggest use of other communication resources, such as Facetime and Google Calendar.26
Lawyers who practice family law appreciate that the pain, both financial and emotional, of divorce often impairs parents’ ability to communicate and objectively consider what is in the best interests of the children. Knowing that communications are tracked and recorded should improve appropriate communication. Perhaps being “forced by the lawyers to use this app” will be the starting point for other types of cooperation. Cooperation and effective communication will help parents make the decisions about the care of their children and will likely make the work of attorneys and judges easier as well.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Jim Calloway is the director of the OBA Management Assistance Program and manages the OBA Solo & Small Firm Conference. He served as the chair of the 2005 ABA TECHSHOW board. His Law Practice Tips blog and Digital Edge podcast cover technology and management issues. He speaks frequently on law office management, legal technology, ethics and business operations.
Darla Jackson is the OBA practice management advisor. She earned her J.D. from the OU College of Law. She also holds a Masters of Library Science from OU and an LL.M. in international law from the University of Georgia School of Law. She has practiced as an Air Force judge advocate and served as a law library director at the University of South Dakota School of Law.
- “We have already seen technology assisting judges in family law cases. Parents have been ordered to provide Skype or Facetime to children so they can communicate with the other parent. They have also been ordered to use apps like “Our Family Wizard” to track parenting time, reduce divorce conflict and remove the “he said/she said” that keeps families returning to court over custody and coparenting issues.” Sharon D. Nelson & John W. Simek, Through a Glass, Darkly, 74 Or. St. B. Bull. 62 (2013-2014). Two apps, OFW and Talking Parents, even provides language that parties may suggest in preparing orders for courts. The OFW suggested language includes the following: “All parents entries shall be viewable via a Professional Account to both parties’ attorney(s) of record and the (Judge / Commissioner / Minor’sCounsel/ Parent Coordinator/ Special Masters /GAL ) assigned.” Our Family Wizard, Common Order Language. www.ourfamilywizard.com/sites/default/files/pdfs/Model_Language8.13.pdf. See also Talking Parents, Court Enforcement, www.talkingparents.com/court-enforcement.
- This list of possible features is summarized from Lisa Brick, A Must Have App to Co-Parent with Ease, Huff Post Blog (Aug. 30, 2016 05:34 pm ET, Updated Aug. 31, 2017), www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-mcmahon/a-must-have-app-to-copare_b_11549114.html.
- Natalie R. Kelly and Michael Monahan, Legal Tech Tips, Ga. B.J. 46, Oct. 2017, at 46, digitaleditions.walsworthprintgroup.com/publication/?i=441814#{“issue_id”: 441814,”page”:48}. recommends OFW as one of three coparenting apps. LawInfo, Co-Parent App Helps Manage Kids’ Lives, LawInfo Blog (May 3, 2017), blog.lawinfo.com/2017/05/03/co-parent-app-helps-manage-kids-lives/, also list OFW as an app to help with coparenting.
- John Harding, Our Family Wizard, Family Law Lawyer Tech & Practice (Jan. 20, 2017). familylawyertech.blogspot.com/2017/01/our-family-wizard.html.
- Our Family Wizard, Frequently Asked Questions – ToneMeter, Your Emotional Spell-Check, www.ourfamilywizard.com/help/tonemeter-your-emotional-spell-check.
- Id.
- Lisa Brick, A Must Have App to Co-Parent with Ease, supranote 2.
- Seif & McNamee, Getting the Most Out of Co-Parenting Technology, Seif & McNamee Blog (Mar. 29, 2017), law-oh.com/2017/03/29/getting-the-most-out-of-co-parenting-technology/.
- Our Family Wizard, Plans and Pricing, www.ourfamilywizard.com/plans-and-pricing(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
- Id.
- Id.
- Seif & McNamee, Getting the Most Out of Co-Parenting Technology, supranote 8.
- Id.
- Id.
- Id.
- LawPay, AppClose, lawpay.com/appclose/(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
- CoParents.com, Three Useful Co-Parenting Apps, CoParents.com Blog (Feb. 2, 2016), www.coparents.com/blog/three-useful-co-parenting-apps/.
- Lucy Good, 5 Apps for Calm and Controlled Co-Parenting, Beanstalk (Feb. 7, 2016, updated on Sept.9, 2017), beanstalkmums.com.au/co-parenting-apps-for-calm-and-controlled-parenting/(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
- Tracey Dowdy, Apps to Help with Co-Parenting, TheOnlineMom (www.theonlinemom.com/apps-help-co-parenting/(last visited Jan. 9. 2018).
- CustodyJunction, Pricing, www.custodyjunction.com/pricing.shtml(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
- Grant Toeppen and Lora Grevious, Co-Parenting Apps and Online Resources, Toeppen & Grevious (Jan. 13, 2016), grantandlora.com/co-parenting-apps-and-online-resources/.
- Id.
- Talking Parents, How it Works, www.talkingparents.com/how-it-works(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
- Talking Parents, Terms of Service, Talking Parents (Sept. 15, 2017), www.talkingparents.com/terms-of-service.
- Yet there are security concerns that need to be addressed when resources are integrated or linked. Juliana Hoyt, Getting Up to Speed: Tech Savvy Tips for ADR Professionals – A Mile Wide, Inch Deep Review of Online Resources for Your Business, Vermont B.J. (Fall 2010), at 45, www.riverstoneresolutions.com/files/ADR%20Getting%20Up%20To%20Speed%20Tech%20Savvy%20Tips%20for%20ADR%20Professionals%20Hoyt.pdf(web-based version does not reflect pagination of print original).
- Brandie Weikle, Divorced Parenting in the 21st Century — There’s an App for That, TheStar.com (Mar. 24, 2016), www.thestar.com/life/2016/03/24/divorced-parenting-in-the-21st-century-theres-an-app-for-that.html, suggests the use of Google Calendar, and Damien McKinney, Co-Parenting In The Digital Age, www.themckinneylawgroup.com/co-parenting-digital-age/, addresses the use of Facebook.
Originally published in the Oklahoma Bar Journal — OBJ 89 pg. 28 (March 2018)
The ‘Quiet Power’ Of Introverts
How Parents And Teachers Can Nurture The ‘Quiet Power’ Of Introverts
ELISSA NADWORNY
LA Johnson/NPR
When Susan Cain wrote Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking in 2012, it was a big success. The book made the cover of Time magazine, spent weeks on the New York Times best-sellers list and was the subject of one of the most-watched TED Talks, with more than 13 million views.
From that grew The Quiet Revolution, a company Cain co-founded that continues to produce and share content about, and for, introverts. The site offers an online training course for parents and stories submitted by readers about being introverted. There’s even a podcast.
Kids, Cain says, “are at the heart and center of it.”
“Introverts often are really amazing, talented, gifted, loving children, and they feel like there’s something wrong with them,” she says. “And our mission is to make it so that the next generation of kids does not grow up feeling that way.”
In her latest book, Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverts, she’s taking her message about introverts to teenagers. Though the book is written for young adults, it’s also a tool for teachers and parents.
I talked with Cain about her mission of supporting introverts, and asked her advice on how to teach them.
So what does it mean to be an introverted child?
It’s really not different for a child than for an adult. It’s a person who feels at their best and at their most alive when they’re in quieter, more mellow environments. And it stems from a neurobiological difference between introverts and extroverts. Literally, different nervous systems. Introverts have nervous systems that simply react more to everything that’s going on around them, and that means they feel more in their sweet spot when there’s less stuff happening. And extroverts have nervous systems that react less, which means that they don’t get to their sweet spot until there’s more stuff happening. And so this is why you see these different behavioral preferences. An introverted kid would rather draw quietly or would rather play their favorite sport with one or two other kids. A more extroverted child would rather be part of a big gang and a big noisy birthday party, and not only not be fazed by it but seem to really relish all that stimulation.
And it’s different from being shy?
It is different. Shyness is much more about the fear of being judged. It’s a kind of self-consciousness and not wanting people to look at you and feeling easily embarrassed or easily shamed. These are all the feelings that a shy child would have. And in practice, many introverted children are also shy, but many are not, and you can also have children that are quite extroverted but who are shy, and as soon as they overcome their shyness, you see them being in the middle of the big gang. So it’s really important when you’re working with children to understand what is actually happening inside them so that you make sure that you’re responding to the right thing.
So let’s talk about schools. Where do they come in?
You know, lots of schools are really hungry for information on how they can do a better job of working with these kids.
They’re asking good questions: What indeed are the right ways to think about class participation? And are we over-evaluating as an educational culture? We overvalue the person who raises their hand all the time. Why is that important? Do we overvalue in quantity, as opposed to quality, of participation? Are there ways to think about class participation differently? Like we [at Quiet Revolution] have been encouraging schools to think in terms of classroom engagement rather than participation. Take a more holistic way of looking at how a child is engaging with this material or with their classmates.
Grant Snider/Dial Books for Young Readers
One of the anecdotes I loved in the book was when the teacher had her students think for a minute before answering. What other kind of good ideas or tips can teachers use like that?
Another idea is the think/pair/share technique, which I think many teachers are familiar with already, but may not realize the power of it within a population of students. This is a technique where the teacher asks the students a question; asks them to think about the answer. They pair up with another student to talk about their reflections. And then, once they’re paired, once they’ve articulated it with that partner, then you ask each pair to share their thoughts with the room as a whole. And this does a lot of great things for introverted kids. No. 1, it gives them the time to process. No. 2, it allows them to get the experience of articulating their thoughts out loud. But in front of only one other student, they don’t have to do it in front of the whole class. And then, often, once they have had that warmup period with one other student, they’re then much more likely to want to share with the whole class.
So this is a technique that works, it works equally well for introverts and extroverts. It’s great for the extroverts, too, but it just happens to work well with the more reticent kids.
What do you think about using social media or technology in the classroom? Helpful for introverts? Harmful?
Helpful. Well, of course social media is such a big thing, so for introverts, there are pros and cons. But my first impulse is to say helpful, and there are teachers now who are starting to incorporate social media into their classrooms and report that the more reticent children are much more likely to participate when their means of expression is through their screens. They can type their answer into a screen, the other students then see what they have written or typed or whatever, and then “real life” dialogue begins based on the initial ideas that were contributed through the screen.
So in general I’m a big fan of social media. I think incorporating it creatively into the class can work. If we’re talking about it as an educational technique, then I am all for it.
This brings me to another school-related trauma: the public speech. Should teachers kind of push introverts along, out of their comfort zone?
Yeah, so I think that it’s important, of course. The key, if we’re talking about public speaking or really anything that kids are fearful of, is to think of anxiety levels on a scale of 1 to 10, and to make sure you’re pushing kids within a zone of 4 to 6.
If you have a kid who is really freaking out, they’re really in that 7-to-10 zone, it’s just too dangerous to push them at that point. They might succeed, they might, you know, do well and feel this is great. But there’s too big a risk of it backfiring and the experience going poorly and the fear being further codified in their brain.
So you’re much better off meeting a fear in small steps. The answer is not: ‘OK, you never have to do … ‘ The Answer is: “OK. You’re afraid of public speaking. Why don’t you prepare your speech and work on it first with your best friend?”
Give the speech to your friend. And then, when you’ve done that, maybe you can give it to another, smaller group. From there, you work up in stages, to finally giving the all out speech. You look for ways to make the experience less anxiety producing.
In the book, you mention that loving the topic can help kids get into their speech.
Making sure that the child is speaking about a subject that they’re truly passionate about and excited to speak about is important. Because again, this is … biochemical. If you tap into your body’s behavioral activation system by speaking about something you’re excited about, then that overcomes the body’s behavioral inhibition system. Which is the system in your body telling you, stop. Slow down. Get the heck off the stage. So it does require extra work on the part of the teacher and an extra degree of thought and care, which I recognize is not always easy, you know, for overburdened teachers. But it goes a long way.
What about group work? Is that good for introverts?
In my experience, it depends a lot on how the group is structured. How carefully it’s structured. Because I’ve seen group work where it works really well, you’ve got kids who work well together, everybody knows their role. That can be a really positive experience. And then I’ve seen big free-for-all groups where it’s Lord of The Flies and you’ve got the most dominant kids taking over. Everyone else is checked out. So it can really go both ways.
Source: http://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2016/02/18/465999756/how-parents-and-teachers-can-nurture-the-quiet-power-of-introverts
How Parents’ Behavior Affects Children During a Divorce
Co-authored by Sara Au
If you’re divorcing, it’s very likely that your world is being rocked like no other time in your life. You may feel shell-shocked, unmoored, enraged or depressed. All of those feelings–and more–are completely normal, and you need to deal with them or find help if you cannot. It’s natural for you to want to lash out at the world, or withdraw from it, or otherwise act on your feelings, but when you’re a parent you need to consider how your actions will affect your children and their behavior.
It’s so hard to hold it all together, but here are some do’s and don’ts that will go very far in helping your child adjust to this change in their lives, and protect their positive development during a difficult time:
It’s important not to share with your children how distressed, frustrated, or depressed you are about the situation. This does not mean you can’t show emotion. Showing and managing emotions help kids learn to do the same. But intense feelings that you struggle to manage should be dealt with using your own support system. You can’t expect your children to handle the burden of being your primary emotional support.
Keep your promises. If you say you’ll be somewhere with the kids, then make sure you are there. If your children are due to spend time with your ex, make sure you’re respectful of that time. Children need both parents in their lives whenever possible. It’s important that your kids have regular contact with you both.
Give your children privacy and space to freely interact with their other parent without feeling like you’re monitoring them. Of course, you need to know they are safe, but when they are with your ex, let them be with them, and let your ex shoulder the responsibility for them. (This might be a good time to get your children a cell phone, if they don’t already have one. Even if it’s a bit earlier than planned, that gives them the freedom to contact you both, and you the opportunity to contact them if needed. Just don’t be in constant contact when they’re away from you.)
Don’t take actions that undermine the other parent. If the other parent is actively undermining you, and you don’t have a civil relationship where you can compromise, then just focus on your own home’s stability and rules. Resist the urge to retaliate or complain to your children about the situation. Don’t grill your children about your ex-spouse and his or her activities, either. You can be a good role model for behavior regardless of whether your ex-spouse is doing so.
Don’t be a victim of divorce. Strive to be a model resilience and self-reliance. This is a horribly emotional thing to go through, but it’s just as powerful of a message when your kids see you bounce back. They do need to know that terrible things can happen in life, some of which are outside of our control, but we do not let such events ruin our lives forever.
If your family life has already become acrimonious, it’s not too late to take steps to turn that around. It will take time, but it can be accomplished. An amicable relationship between divorced parties is best for all involved, but if that cannot be managed, civility and avoidance of conflict between the adults will foster the best outcomes for the children.
Your choices and behavior have far-reaching consequences when you’re parenting through a divorce. Being able to partition your feelings and your reactions to problems between you and your ex is essential, so that you can be a role model for your children. (Finding an adult outlet to vent your feelings with is also essential–for your own well-being.)
Even though divorce can be difficult, children can make it through resiliently and can even thrive in homes where each parent is happier and potentially more fulfilled in their own personal life.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peter-l-stavinoha-ph-d-/how-parents-behavior-affe_1_b_8133150.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce
Divorce and the Grieving Process
Divorce and the Grieving Process
Posted: 07/08/2013 7:39 pm
While there may be disagreement regarding whether or not divorce in and of itself is damaging to children, the more the adults argue, especially about the children, the more likely it is that the children will be unnecessarily harmed by the divorce. The accumulated research in the field of divorce indicates that what takes place during and after a divorce can damage children. The adversarial process has a much greater potential of causing parental conflict or otherwise exacerbating it both during and after the divorce process. To the extent that parental conflict, especially about the children, harms children, the adversarial process can be seen as presenting a greater risk to children than other methods of becoming divorced. In essence, by using an adversarial approach, we increase the likelihood and level of conflict. Meanwhile, constructive and cooperative co-parenting is far less likely with ongoing conflict.
As with death, divorce brings in its wake stress, grief, fear and loss. In fact, the psychological community views divorce as a stress or grief process. They recognize that a cycle of conflict is predictable, when someone fails to grieve the losses associated with divorce. They also know that it is much more likely that the conflict will persist unless and until the grief has been resolved. As a result, such individuals are more likely to litigate intensely and repeatedly. Unfortunately, by emphasizing the legal battle, the divorce process tends to interfere with the grieving process.
In her book titled The Good Karma Divorce, Judge Michele Lowrance states “Moving forward with your life is critical to the process of healing. A court battle requires freezing at the stage of blame and fault. The debate escalates in court, focusing on who did what to whom. Character maligning becomes the focus rather than problem solving. This has an effect on you (and your relationship with your former spouse) that will last well beyond the end of the trial. Many people have told me years later that they wished they had never gone to trial because of how much it hurt them and their family.”
It occurs to me that many lawyers believe that the conflict will be resolved once the parties reach an agreement or the Court otherwise makes its orders. This is a distinction between dispute resolution and conflict resolution and it is more than semantics.
In Germany, after the role of attorneys in family law changed from escalating conflict to deescalating it, the results improved significantly. As the level of conflict decreases, so does the level of anger and distrust between parties. The manner in which parents communicate with each other about the children both during and after the divorce improves as the level of hostility diminishes. There also appears to be a relationship between the conflict level and incidents of serious domestic violence, as well as parental alienation. Not surprisingly, the percentage of cases resolved outside of court increases as discord wanes. Since issues pertaining to children and support tend to be the most litigated and re-litigated matters, as the level of conflict dwindles, so does the need for court involvement in family law related cases.
All of this suggests that lawyers involved in the field of family law should have a better understanding of grief and loss. It also suggests that lawyers should recognize that spouses in high conflict divorces tend to distort reality in order to avoid grieving. Therefore, families benefit if matrimonial attorneys understand the sources of ongoing conflict between divorcing and divorced spouses. This would help to positively impact parenting during and after the divorce process, which in turn would benefit the children of divorce.
Attorneys need not be trained in psychology in order to reduce conflict. Rather, they merely need to understand the psychological stages their clients are experiencing. The five stages of grief are as follows: (1) denial; (2) anger and resentment; (3) bargaining; (4) depression; and (5) acceptance.
As my esteemed colleague, Pauline Tesler told me, “the most significant variable affecting whether a divorce will be managed well or whether it will slide into high conflict litigation is who the parties select as their lawyers. Lawyers who understand the nature of human conflict and who aim to help people resolve it, right from the start, handle their cases entirely differently from lawyers who may have reasonably positive views of mediation, but who treat it as just another way of getting to a legal-template deal and who see their job as preparing for maximum measurable gain at trial.” This is entirely consistent with the psychological research which shows the benefits of early intervention to reduce levels of parental conflict and potential litigation to divorcing families. Conflict is reduced by appropriately addressing the grief and loss from the very beginning. Doesn’t it therefore make sense that lawyers involved in the field of family law should have a better understanding of grief and loss?