Surviving Mother’s Day after divorce or separation

Whether it is your first Mother’s Day as a single parent or your tenth, this ‘family’ day can present certain challenges during or post-divorce/separation.

One of the key challenges is if Mother’s Day is not on your weekend with the kids. In this situation, who the kids spend the day with very much depends on how amicable you are.

Hopefully, in most cases, flexibility and respect will be in place and the kids will spend the day with their Mum. However, we know this is not always the case and you may spend the day without the kids, something that will be emotionally distressing for all.

If Mother’s Day is not on your weekend, then some pre-planning will help. Perhaps talk to your ex-partner months in advance to see if weekends/days can be swapped so you can be together. And ensure that you do the same for Father’s Day.

Perhaps you could detail how you will deal with ‘family’ days in your parenting plan and ensure that the same rules apply to family times throughout the year.

Not with the kids

Handling the emotional fallout of a Mother’s Day without your children is going to be difficult. Of course, you would prefer to be with your children, but if you cannot, then there some things you can put in place to help you deal with it as best you can.

Have your own Mother’s Day

Why does Mother’s Day have to be dictated to us? The answer, it doesn’t! So, take control of the situation and organise your own special Mother’s Day for a Sunday when you do have the kids. Plan something for you all to do together and enjoy your own special day.

No cards and presents

If your children are pre-school age, a card and gift may not be on the table. Older children will usually make a homemade card at school and perhaps friends or family could step in, so you get a little something. However, why can you not buy your own gift? The kids could wrap it for you and at least you get what you want.

Do something different with your day

Take the opportunity to do something different with your time. Gather your friends for who Mother’s Day is difficult and arrange lunch/spa day etc. Or get out in the countryside, fresh air does wonders to lift your mood. If possible, spend time with your own Mum. It won’t be the best of days, but you can control it not being the worse.

Stay off social media

Take a digital detox for the day and do NOT go on social media. Seeing pictures of people with breakfast in bed, flowers and cards will make you feel worse. And, remember it is just a snapshot of the day – not the reality of the whole day. Even when I was in a relationship, I found social media tough as I compared my situation to the smiles on my news feed. And finally, please remember it is just one day and you are not alone.  Single parents, married mothers in lonely relationships and all those people who have lost their Mum will struggle. Instead, focus your attention and energy on having the best day possible and creating a special day for you and children later.

If you are struggling to deal with Mother’s Day after a divorce or separation, Relate has some useful tools and advice on its website.

 

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Author: Stowe Family Law

Sir James Munby finds that irregularity in divorce did not make it invalid

“Rules are rules, and must be obeyed”. Or so we are often told. However, even that rule has exceptions, as the remarkable case M v P demonstrates.

The rule in question is quite simple: that if you wish to divorce on the basis that you and the other party have been separated for a particular period (i.e. use that basis to prove the ground for divorce: that the marriage has irretrievably broken down), then that period must have been completed before the divorce petition is presented to the court. Thus if, as in this case, the petitioner wishes to divorce  on the basis that he and the respondent have been separated for at least two years and the respondent consents to the divorce, that two year period must have been completed before the petitioner presents his petition. (It should be noted in passing that it will not be necessary to prove irretrievable breakdown under the proposed no-fault divorce system, so the particular problem in this case will no longer arise if we get no-fault divorce.)

And what if the separation period has not been completed? Well, prior to this case I’m sure any family lawyer would have said that the petitioner has not proved that the marriage has broken down irretrievably, and cannot therefore have his divorce. But it seems that things are not quite that straightforward…

The facts in M v P were somewhat unusual. The parties were married on the 19th of September 2011. It appears that they never lived together (the husband claimed that the wife refused to share the same household as him). The husband, who was not legally represented, presented a divorce petition on the 14th of June 2013, on the basis that he and the wife had been separated for at least two years, and the wife consented to the divorce. The wife confirmed in her acknowledgement of the divorce petition that she consented to the divorce. The divorce proceeded, and a decree nisi was pronounced on the 21st of November 2013, and made absolute on the 24th of February 2014. Both the husband and the wife subsequently remarried.

I’m sure at this point that the reader will have spotted the problem in this case. If the parties were married on the 19th of September 2011 then they could not have been separated for two years by the time the petition was presented on the 14th of June 2013. The problem finally came to the attention of the court staff in October 2016. The matter went before a district judge, who allowed the husband to amend his petition to rely upon the wife’s ‘unreasonable behaviour’, and directed that the decree absolute remained valid.

The matter was then referred to the Queen’s Proctor. The Queen’s Proctor is an officer of the judiciary, who may intervene in divorce proceedings “to argue before the court any question in relation to the matter which the court considers it necessary or expedient to have fully argued”. The Queen’s Proctor did intervene here, applying to have the decree nisi set aside as it was a ‘nullity’, because the requisite period of separation had not expired before the divorce petition was presented, and the district judge had not had the power to cure the defect by allowing the petition to be amended. Obviously, if the application succeeded, the husband and wife were still married to one another, and had therefore committed bigamy by remarrying.

The Queen’s Proctor’s application was heard by Sir James Munby, the former President of the Family Division. To keep this post to a reasonable length, I will summarise his judgment very briefly. The central question, he said, was: was whether the decrees made by the court were void, or merely voidable. If they were void, then they were nullities, and the parties were still married to one another. If they were merely voidable, on the other hand, he could decide not to have them set aside. He decided that they were voidable (you can read his reasons for this in paragraph 103 of the judgment) and that they would not be set aside. The district judge was right to amend the petition, and therefore the decree nisi would be amended to reflect that the divorce was on the basis of behaviour, rather than separation and consent. Accordingly, the decree absolute remained valid – the parties were divorced, and had not committed bigamy.

To be honest, I found my eyebrows rising a little when I read the judgment. Whilst one obviously has enormous sympathies with the parties – they were victims of the failure of the court to spot the irregularity – the law seems to me to be quite clear, and it had not been followed. It is all very well to say, as Sir James did, that “the modern judicial conscience would revolt” if it were compelled to say that the divorce was a nullity, but the simple fact remained that parliament had decreed that the two years must elapse before the presentation of the petition, and it had not. And to retrospectively alter the divorce to behaviour after the event seems to me to be stretching logic beyond breaking point – the divorce had never happened, so it could not be amended. Still, what do I know, I am just a humble hack, not the former President of the Family Division.

You can read Sir James’s full judgment, including his searing criticism of the unavailability of legal aid for the wife (see paragraphs 116 to 122), here.

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Author: John Bolch

Are you married to an emotional bully?

Emotional bullies are not happy people. Motivated by fear, their insecurities plague them creating a need to command and dominate others to make up for how vulnerable they feel. Controlling others inflates the bully’s ego, masking their self-confidence issues.

Emotional bullies, instead of fists, bully with words (sometimes loudly). They steal the trust, kindness and respect from a relationship through coercion, manipulation and intimidation. Too often, I see clients who are married to a bully and struggling to break free.

Tell-tale signs you are married to an emotional bully

Bullying comes in many forms, here are the four key behaviours to look out for:

Aggression (verbal & physical)

Name calling, critical comments, slamming doors, blaming, accusations, undermining your decisions, arguments from nowhere… the bully has many verbal and physical options to control and dominate. Once they have established the pattern of using anger as a first response, the bully can rule on the fear of anger alone.

Controlling

A bully will use control to limit your freedom. Isolating you slowly from friends and family, they will manage your time and decide how you spend it and who with; then make you feel guilty when you leave them to spend time with them. They will also text, stalk social media and call continuously to check where you are and what you are up to.

Passive aggressive

The silent treatment, coming home late, not helping in the house, withholding sex, controlling finances, undermining your decisions in small, all subtle ways that a bully will use to keep in control of you and the relationship.

Threats

When a bully gets scared of losing you, out comes the threat card. Divorce, moving out, cheating or even harming themselves are just some of the tactics a bully will roll out when desperate.

Living with a bully

Sadly you can spot bullies everywhere: the playground, the classroom, at work and in the home. But what is it like to live with one?

In a functional relationship, both people are equals. In a bullying relationship, there is an imbalance and an uneven distribution of power.

Typically people in a bullying relationship tend to have lowered self-esteem, suffer from depression and/or anxiety, are fearful and feel powerless and trapped. These emotional feelings often manifest physically in addiction, insomnia, changes to appetite and illness.

Leaving a bully

Being married to a bully can be emotionally distressing and the road to separation very stressful but one of the hardest parts is recognising that you are. Long relationships have behaviour patterns within them that are difficult to break.

Start by keeping a written record of your partners bullying for a month. Note down dates, times, situations and how they made you feel. Sometimes when you are living in a situation it is hard to see the bigger picture. Writing it down will show you the extent of your partner’s behaviour.

If you decide to divorce a bully, you will need a strong support team in place. Seek out professional and emotional support from lawyers, counsellors, consultants as well as friends and family on the side.

Sources of support

If you or someone you know is suffering in a abusive relationship, please do get support. The organisations below have advice and details of who to contact. If you feel scared for your safety, please do contact the police, 

Refuge

Women’s Aid

Mankind

Men’s Advice Line 

Broken Rainbow (for LGBT people affected by relationship violence)

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Author: Julian Hawkhead

Help, my ex has changed the locks. What can I do?

You have separated but are still living together when you arrive home and your key no longer fits… Your ex has changed the locks! So, what can you do?

Sarah Jane Lenihan from our London Victoria office joins us on the blog with advice on what you can do if you find yourself locked out.

The first step is to take legal advice to find out what your rights are however if you are just home from a long day at work or have been at the gym to avoid going home this may not be possible.

Below, I have provided a quick overview of the legal position and some practical advice to help you in this emergency.

Keep calm

The most important piece of advice is to keep calm. Easy for me to say, I hear you shout but getting angry/upset is only going to make the situation worse. If you can have a calm conversation and reach an agreement with your ex this is often the best solution.

Perhaps there is someone close to you both that you could speak to, to help mediate to find a temporary solution.

Is there a court order in place?

Have you been served with a court order preventing you from returning? If you have I advise asking a friend/family member or finding a B&B/hotel to stay the night so that you can obtain legal advice the following day.

If there is a court order instructing that you are forbidden from entering the property do not do this as you could get arrested. This applies even if you do not agree with what has been written about you in any court application or statement. If you have been served with such an order without any prior notice, then there will be a date for you to return to court to set out your position. You may have been given the opportunity to file a statement in advance and to apply to discharge the order before the next hearing, so take legal advice at your first opportunity. Ignoring the paperwork or court hearing may lead to an unfavourable order being made in your absence.

House in joint names

If there is no order in place, whether you can enter the property will depend on if you are a legal owner of the property i.e. the property is in your name/the joint names of you and your ex or the tenancy is in your name/both of your names.
If you are a legal owner or your name is on the tenancy you have the right to enter and a key should be provided. Legally you can use reasonable force to enter the property or obtain a locksmith of your own to assist you in entering the property.

However, be warned this may lead to a telephone call from your ex to the police. If you are unable to reach an agreement with your ex, I would advise contacting your local police station to see if they can assist you to avoid any disturbance of peace especially if this is out of business hours. Be wary that your ex may exaggerate or simply lie about what has been happening to get the police to intervene so behaving in an angry fashion will not help your cause.

House in a sole name

If the property is owned or rented in the sole name of your ex, then you may still have the right to occupy/enter the property despite the separation. However, this also means that if the property is in your name it may mean that you cannot exclude the person without their name on the property from entering.

If, however, the person who is not named as legal owner or tenant leaves the property you may be within your rights to then change the locks and they may need permission from you or the court to return.
As you can see there is no one answer fits all and it is important that you take professional legal advice whether you are planning to change the locks or find yourself locked out especially when children or a vulnerable person are involved. You could be heavily criticised, and it may have a negative impact on the overall outcome of your case.

Starting a separation in an aggressive manner can lead to protracted and costly proceedings that could have been avoided if your case was carefully considered from the start.
If you find yourself locked out or wish to change the locks, please do contact us for legal advice before you make any rash decisions at the details below.

 

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Author: Sarah Jane Lenihan

Stowe guests: The things we don’t say

In this instalment of Stowe guests, we are joined by Natalie from Thrive & Flourish, a training and development company that helps people to transform the way they are perceived by others and give them new-found confidence in how they communicate.

Today, she joins us on the blog to look at how the way we communicate, both direct and indirect, can affect the relationships in our life, especially our partner.

When it comes to communicating it is often the things we don’t say that have the most impact. Our movements, expressions and the sound of our voice can sometimes put across a meaning that is entirely different from what was intended.

It has been suggested that body language may account for up to 70% of all communication and there is plenty written about how to read someones but how often do we reflect on our own body language and what it says to people.

Take a moment to think about how you speak, how you move, your facial expressions. What is that you are really communicating? How are you actually perceived? What vibe do you give off? Have you developed habitual patterns in your own communication?

Sitting slouched in a chair, not making eye contact when listening to others, speaking so fast it feels like, to others, that you want to get the conversation over with, fidgeting with your fingers, interrupting people as they speak, are all seen as negative communication techniques but for some people they may be just a habit. However, habits can be broken.

Good communication is the foundation of a strong and healthy relationship yet it is often the simplest bad habits that get couples into trouble. Problems escalate when people repeat their mistakes again and again.  

Three of the most common communication mistakes in a relationship I have encountered are:

Shouting at your partner – this may feel good in the short-term but can very easily form into a habit and become the only way you communicate strong emotions

Speaking before thinking – we are all guilty of saying things as a reaction without thinking it through. Stop, take your time and think before you speak.

Negative non-verbal communication – you may not have said anything negative but your expressions, gestures and body language say something very different.

So when you have a moment think about your own habits: What vocal patterns do you have? How do you sit or stand? Do you talk over people?

And think about how you communicate with your partner. Can you spot any negative habits? Why not honestly rate how you communicate? Without fixing communication issues, your relationship will always struggle.

Take time to think about the above and you might be surprised at the impact of what you don’t say.

Get in touch

At Thrive & Flourish we can help. We look at practical ways to enhance your understanding of your voice and physicality and make simple yet effective changes to transform how you communicate. Unlike traditional training, our programmes place emphasis on self-awareness, discovery and an understanding of how you are perceived by others. You can visit our website here. 

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Author: Stowe Family Law

Lost sense of self: When a narcissist meets an echoist…

We have all heard of the narcissist. In fact, I have written an article recently on how to identify if you are married to one on this blog.

Throughout my years advising clients I have encountered many cases where the narcissist behaviours of one party have dominated the whole relationship leading to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

But what of the people married or in a relationship with a narcissist? It’s time to meet the echoist; not an officially recognised condition but a term that was popularised in the 2016 book Rethinking Narcissism by Craig Malkin and is gaining momentum.

Now, I shall start with the caveat that not all echoists are in relationships with narcissists. That would be too simplistic. However, the two personality types are intrinsically linked.

What is an echoist?

In a nutshell, an echoist is the opposite of a narcissist. Consider the following statements:

Narcissist: Look at what you did wrong? The narcissist copes by blaming everyone else.
Echoist: What did I do wrong? The echoist copes by blaming themselves.

An echoist is someone who puts everyone else’s needs and feelings first and at the expense of their own. People pleasers, they cannot bear praise and hate being the centre of attention. They don’t like to talk about themselves but are great listeners. They blame themselves when things go wrong regardless of where the fault lies.

All in all, a perfect mix for a narcissist who will seek out (consciously or subconsciously) people that verify their importance and allow them to dominate with minimal return required. A narcissist may often arrive on the scene as the rescuer, but this never plays out to be the case.

However, an echoist is not a doormat. Smart, intelligent, kind and warm-hearted people, they are often more emotionally sensitive and aware than others. They are the ones that always pick up on a bad atmosphere in the room or an underlying argument.

Many people root the development of echoist behaviours forming in childhood with a dominating narcissist parent or family member creating a learnt behaviour that they must repress their own feelings to be loved; that they must give everything and accept very little back. Imagine a parent that erupts over the smallest of things and it is never their fault. In the end, you would learn to anticipate the situation and change your behaviour to avoid it.

Echoists and relationships

An echoist can easily get stuck in an unhealthy relationship where they feel unworthy, unlovable and everything is their fault. This can quickly cause anxiety, depression and loss of hope as they struggle with connection and expressing their needs.

They can easily lose their voice, their sense of self. I have seen many clients at the start of the divorce process that try to take up as little space in the world as possible, ask for as little as possible and put themselves at a very long line of other people.

But it can change, and I have seen the results myself.

New beginnings

Before I turn to what can be done I would like to express that if you are in an abusive relationship you must seek help immediately. I have detailed some useful links at the end of the article.

Counselling can certainly help here. An echoist needs to start to understand feelings and feel them – not fear them. Emotions such as anger and resentment are all perfectly normal emotions. By accepting them, you learn to voice them and start to develop more equal relationships where you can say you are not happy and ask for things.

An echoist also needs to learn to question situations and break the default that it is all their fault, or they are too sensitive. Ask yourself what am I getting from this relationship? Why is it making me feel sad or lonely? Healthy relationships create a space for vulnerability.

You can unlearn bad habits with professional support, time and the desire to break the old relationship patterns to get your voice back.

If you are affected by anything in this article the following websites are useful resources:

Relate
Woman’s aid
The Echo Society

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Author: Julian Hawkhead

A Psychologist Explains How to Beat Social Anxiety

It is rarely helpful to tell a shy person to “just be yourself!” Riffing on that frustrating exchange, clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen has written a book that she hopes will answer the question the anxious person usually asks in return: How?

Hendriksen received her doctorate from UCLA and today works at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. She is the author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety, out last week from St. Martin’s Press, which she describes as “a book I wish I had when I was 20.”

The Verge spoke with Hendriksen about the most helpful techniques to combat social anxiety, daring to be average, and why most people’s social skills are just fine.

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

Let’s start with the basics. In the early chapters, you define social anxiety as “self-consciousness on steroids.” Can you be more specific about what that means? What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety is a perception that there is something embarrassing and deficient about us, and, unless we work hard to conceal or hide it, it will be revealed and we will be judged or rejected for it.

We can all relate to the experience of looking in the mirror and zooming in on a perceived flaw like a zit. There is a sense of wanting to hide that perceived flaw and that leads you to, say, throw on some tinted moisturizer. That feeling — that urge to hide — is the exact same feeling that one gets with social anxiety, except with social anxiety it’s about our internal self, about our personality or our social skills or simply who we are as a person.

The one thing I always like to add is that social anxiety is a package deal, and it often comes bundled with strengths like high standards and empathy and being helpful and altruistic. People who have social anxiety are often good listeners and conscientious and they work hard to get along with fellow humans. And those are all really amazing strengths that won’t go away even as people work on their social anxiety.

In the past few years, there’s been a lot of talk about introverts and extroverts, and people often confuse being introverted with being socially anxious. But, in fact, introversion and social anxiety are separate. How can people tell which is which?

Introversion is how you’re wired, whereas social anxiety gets in your way. Introverts get their energy by being alone or in small groups, while extroverts get their energy from larger groups of people.

Non-anxious introverts are perfectly happy to leave the party early, but people with social anxiety often leave because they feel so worried and want relief. Social anxiety is something that is holding you back due to fear instead of due to choice. A classic example is that students with social anxiety will forgo the part of their grade that’s based on “class participation.”

Ellen Hendriksen. Photo by: Matthew Guillory

And socially anxious extroverts do exist. I was talking just the other day to a man who is a teacher and a standup comic. He loves being in front of people, but he’s also simultaneously afraid that they are judging him. You can get energy from other people and still be anxious around them. Or you can get your energy by being alone and not be bothered by it at all.

So, let’s get to the meat of it. How do you overcome social anxiety?

Go forth and do. I often talk to clients who say, “I wish I could hit pause on the world and I could retreat and work on myself and gain confidence and remerge confident and be ready to live my life.”

That is backward. A nice analogy is that of mood and action. We often think we have to “feel” like doing something before doing it. We think we have to feel like going to the gym before going to work out. But if we lace up our shoes and go to the gym, often our mood catches up, and we’re glad we went. With confidence, it’s the same thing. We have to put action before feeling confidence because when we see ourselves doing challenging things, we start to believe we can.

You offer a few “magic questions” for socially anxious people to ask themselves before an event. How can these help?

The first trick is asking people to be really specific. Anxiety is often vague and says things like “everybody will hate me” or “something bad will happen” or “what if something bad happens?” So if we can specify, what exactly we’re afraid of, who exactly would “hate you,” sometimes that’s enough and we realize that our anxiety is not particularly credible and that the worst-case scenario that it’s spinning and is setting off our alarm bells is not likely. Part of that is asking what the odds of these worst-case scenarios really are.

The second question is “how bad would that really be?” and the technique is called decatastrophizing. That’s simply asking, “Is this truly a catastrophe? Would I die? Is this irreparable?” And the vast majority of the time, the answer is no.

The third is “how can I cope?” If we have a plan to either rectify the situation or take care of ourselves and move on, that will make us feel better knowing that we have a plan and we can care for ourselves regardless of what happens. That helps refute the two most fundamental lies of social anxiety.

What are they?

The first is that the worst-case scenario is a foregone conclusion and is definitely going to happen. And the second is that “I can’t deal.” When we avoid experiences, we don’t get the evidence to disprove those two lies of social anxiety. We don’t see our own capabilities. So these questions can act like this nice runway to help launch us into action and to go ahead and try to do those things that we’re a little bit scared of.

One piece of advice I found compelling was to “be brave for one minute.” What’s the thinking behind that?

The vast majority of social anxiety is anticipatory. Oftentimes, once we take the leap and are in the moment, we do feel anxious at first, but if we can resist the urge to avoid pulling the plug, the anxiety will naturally plateau and start to decline. But by avoiding anxiety, we never get to find that out. So, by committing ourselves to being brave for one minute and also dropping our safety behaviors, that’s where the learning occurs.

Tell me more about the safety behaviors.

This concept comes from the work of psychologists Lynn Alden and Charles Taylor. People who are socially anxious engage in “safety behaviors,” which are simply behaviors that trying to help you tamp down anxiety in the moment. For example, if you’re at a party and feel anxious, you hover on the edge of the room or you scroll on your phone or you might rehearse what you plan to say beforehand to make sure it doesn’t sound stupid. People generally do know what their safety behaviors are. And they do make us feel better, but it comes across as off-putting or rigid. They send the wrong message, and folks who are socially anxious don’t always realize that.

What do we gain when we drop the safety behaviors?

Alden and Taylor challenged people to drop their safety behaviors to see what would happen. When they did that, their conversation partner in this experiment rated the people who dropped these behaviors as more likable and more authentic. We become the way we are naturally with our closest friends.

These behaviors take up a lot of bandwidth. If you’re thinking about how you come across, and there is very little room left over to just be our authentic, friendly self. When we drop our safety behaviors, the gaps are naturally filled in with listening and curiosity and interest and we come across as more genuine and therefore our conversation partners like us more.

That seems related to a chapter in the book devoted to explaining why most of us don’t have terrible social skills. Why do you believe that?

With most people, it’s not so much that our social skills are lacking, it’s that our inhibitions get in the way and prevent us from using our social skills. We monitor ourselves and overread everything. “Oh, she just shifted in her seat, does that mean she’s bored?” Or, “I hope I don’t sound like an idiot.”

With all that happening, there’s very little room left over to pay attention to what’s happening in the moment or even to stand properly or to not spill our wine. So when we’re feeling particularly inhibited and anxious, it seems like we have no social skills, but we do.

Instead, try to turn your attention inside out, focus on anything except yourself. Look at who you’re talking to, ground yourself in your surroundings, listen closely to what is being said. And that turning of attention from the internal commentary can greatly reduce anxiety and help us make use of our skills that we naturally have.

Even in those cases, we’re still going to be awkward sometimes, right? You write about perfectionism in the book and also “daring to be average.” What does that mean?

Perfectionism as a term is a misnomer. It isn’t about being perfect. It’s about never being good enough. It social contexts, it’s all or nothing. So, unless we give a stellar performance, we are an abject failure. The answer is to simply lower the bar. It’s okay to have an awkward silence. Your social life isn’t a laser maze. If you make one mistake, alarms are not going to go off all around you. Daring to be average means daring to just be totally normal, which can help you relax and, again, relax into the skills we have.

Be well informed. Read The Verge.

This post originally appeared on The Verge.

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/a-psychologist-explains-how-to-beat-social-anxiety

 

Tales and myths of a common law marriage

Nearly half of people in England and Wales believe that unmarried couples living together have the same rights and obligations as couples who are legally married or who have entered into a civil partnership.

This could not be further from the truth. In fact, common law marriage is a complete myth.

Research just undertaken by the University of Exeter and the National Centre for Social Research, shows that 46% of those asked, believe that unmarried couples living together (cohabiting couples) were part of a common law marriage and, as a result, had equal protection to married couples in the event of their relationship breaking down.

Cohabitation does not provide any legal status to a couple living together.

At the same time, cohabiting couples now account for the fastest growing household in England and Wales.  The number of opposite sex cohabiting couple families with dependent children has almost doubled in the last decade and nearly 50% of children are born to parents who are not married.

The difference between cohabiting couples and couples who are married or in a civil partnership could not be more significant.

In the event of a couple living together but not married or in a civil partnership, separating, the result is often, according to the University of Exeter, severe financial hardship for the more vulnerable financially weaker party.

For example, there is no right to claim maintenance, there is no ability to share pensions and there is no ability to share property unless that property is jointly owned.

The University of Exeter concludes by saying “it is absolutely critical that we raise awareness of the difference between cohabitation, civil partnership and marriage and any differences and rights that come with each.”

This is not a new issue.

Previous governments have been advised by the Law Commission, an independent body which advises governments on the need for law reform, that they needed to act.  The Law Commission even drafted a Bill to go before parliament.  Some limited protection was put in place in Scotland but not in England and Wales.

The need for reform and change could not be more urgent.

In the meantime, we can offer some practical advice.

If you are thinking of living with someone and not getting married, or if you already are living with someone, consider entering into a “living together agreement” and also consider whether any documents should be drawn up in relation to any property which you may own, for example setting out your rights in relation to that property, when it could be sold and what happens on sale.

If, on the other hand, you are thinking of separating from your partner, or already have, don’t give up.  If you have children, there are certainly ways of obtaining financial support for them, including the provision of a home, and it may be that even if the property is in the name of your partner, you may still have certain rights in relation to it.

At Stowe we have a number of solicitors, including myself, who specialise in cohabitation, please do contact us at the details below.

The post Tales and myths of a common law marriage appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: Graham Coy

We Need New Ways of Treating Depression

We Need New Ways of Treating Depression

As the 21st century was beginning, a South African psychiatrist named Derek Summerfield happened to be in Cambodia conducting some research on the psychological effects of unexploded land mines — at a time when chemical antidepressants were first being marketed in the country.

The local doctors didn’t know much about these drugs, so they asked Summerfield to explain them. When he finished, they explained that they didn’t need these new chemicals — because they already had antidepressants. Puzzled, Summerfield asked them to explain, expecting that they were going to tell him about some local herbal remedy. Instead, they told him about something quite different.

The doctors told Summerfield a story about a farmer they had treated. He worked in the water-logged rice fields, and one day he stepped on a land mine and his leg was blasted off. He was fitted with an artificial limb, and in time he went back to work. But it’s very painful to work when your artificial limb is underwater, and returning to the scene of his trauma must have made him highly anxious. The farmer became deeply depressed.

So the doctors and his neighbors sat with this man and talked through his life and his troubles. They realized that even with his new artificial limb, his old job — working in the paddies — was just too difficult, that he was constantly stressed and in physical pain, and that these things combined to make him want to just stop living. His interlocutors had an idea.

They suggested that he work as a dairy farmer, a job that would place less painful stress on his false leg and produce fewer disturbing memories. They believed he was perfectly capable of making the switch. So they bought him a cow. In the months and years that followed, his life changed. His depression, once profound, lifted. The Cambodian doctors told Summerfield: “You see, doctor, the cow was an analgesic, and antidepressant.”

In time, I came to believe that this little scene in Southeast Asia, which at first sounds just idiosyncratic, deeply “foreign,” in fact represents in a distilled form a shift in perspective that many of us need to make if we are going to make progress in tackling the epidemic of depression, anxiety, and despair spreading like a thick tar across our culture.

It’s not just about brain chemistry

For more than 30 years, we have collectively told one primary story about depression and anxiety. When I was a teenager and I went to my doctor and explained I felt distress was pouring out of me uncontrollably, like a foul smell, he told me a story.

The doctor said that depression is caused by the spontaneous lack of a chemical in the brain called serotonin, and I simply needed to take some drugs to get my serotonin levels up to a normal level. A few days before I wrote this piece, a young friend of one of my nephews, who was not much older than I was when I was first diagnosed, went to his doctor and asked for help with his depression. His doctor told him he had a problem with dopamine in his brain. In 20 years, all that has shifted is the name of the chemical.

I believed and preached versions of this story for more than a decade. But when I began to research the causes of depression and anxiety for my new book, Lost Connections, I was startled to find leading scientific organizations saying this approach was based on a misreading of the science. There are real biological factors that contribute to depression, but they are very far from being the whole story.

The World Health Organization, the leading medical body in the world, explained in 2011: “Mental health is produced socially: The presence or absence of mental health is above all a social indicator and therefore requires social, as well as individual, solutions.” The United Nations’ special rapporteur on the right to health, Dr. Dainius Pūras — one of the leading experts in the world on mental health — explained last April that “the dominant biomedical narrative of depression” is based on “biased and selective use of research outcomes.”

“Regrettably, recent decades have been marked with excessive medicalization of mental health and the overuse of biomedical interventions, including in the treatment of depression and suicide prevention,” he said. While there is a role for medications, he added, we need to stop using them “to address issues which are closely related to social problems.”

I was initially bemused by statements like this: They were contrary to everything I had been told. So I spent three years interviewing the leading scientists in the world on these questions, to try to understand what is really going on in places where despair in our culture is worst, from Cleveland to Sao Paulo, and where the incidence of despair is lowest, including Amish communities. I traveled 40,000 miles and drilled into the deepest causes of our collective depression.

I learned there is broad agreement among scientists that there are three kinds of causes of depression and anxiety, and all three play out, to differing degrees, in all depressed and anxious people. The causes are: biological (like your genes), psychological (how you think about yourself), and social (the wider ways in which we live together). Very few people dispute this. But when it comes to communicating with the public, and offering help, psychological solutions have been increasingly neglected, and environmental solutions have been almost totally ignored.

The hotly contested studies of chemical antidepressants

Instead, we focus on the biology. We offer, and are offered, drugs as the first, and often last, recourse. This approach is only having modest results. When I took chemical antidepressants, after a brief burst of relief, I remained depressed, and I thought there was something wrong with me.I learned in my research that many researchers have examined the data on antidepressants and come to very different conclusions about their effectiveness. But it’s hard not to conclude, looking at the evidence as a whole, that they are at best a partial solution.

Depression is often measured by something called the Hamilton Depression Rating Scale, a 17-item test administered by clinicians, where a score of zero means you show no symptoms of the disorder and a score of 52 would indicate an absolutely debilitating episode.

The studies that most strongly support chemical antidepressants found that some 37 percent of people taking them experience a significant shift in their Hamilton scores amounting to a full remission in their symptoms. When therapy and other interventions were added in addition to or in place of these drugs — in treatment-resistant cases — remission rates went higher.

Yet other scholars, looking at the exact same data set, noticed that over the long term, fewer than 10 percent of the patients in the study — who were, incidentally, receiving more support than the average depressed American would receive from their doctor — experienced complete remission that lasted as long as a year. When I read this, I noticed to my surprise that it fit very closely with my own experience: I had a big initial boost, but eventually the depression came back. I thought I was weird for sinking back into depression despite taking these drugs, but it turns out I was quite normal.

Steve Ilardi, a professor of psychology at the University of Kansas, summarizes the research on chemical antidepressants this way, via email: “Only about 50 percent of depressed individuals experience an initial positive response to antidepressants (and only about 30 percent achieve full remission). Of all of those depressed individuals who take an antidepressant, only a small subset — estimated between 5 and 20 percent — will experience complete and enduring remission.” In other words: The drugs give some relief, and therefore have real value, but for a big majority, they aren’t enough.

Irving Kirsch, a professor of psychology who now teaches at Harvard Medical School, was initially a supporter of chemical antidepressants – but then he began to analyze this data, especially the data the drug companies had tried to keep hidden from the public. His research concluded that chemical antidepressants give you a boost, above the placebo effect, of 1.8 points on average on the Hamilton scale. This is less than a third of the boost that you get, by some estimates, from improving your sleep patterns.

(Kirsch points out that a study recently released in The Lancet, to much media coverage, confirmed what we already knew and everyone already agreed on: that chemical antidepressants have more effect than a placebo. The more important questions are: by how much, for how long?)

And even people less skeptical than Kirsch point to this inconvenient fact: Although antidepressant prescriptions have increased 500 percent since the 1980s, there has been no discernible decrease in society-wide depression rates. There’s clearly something very significant missing from the picture we have been offered.

After studying all this, I felt startled, and it took me time to fully absorb it. Kirsch regards the 1.8-point gain he finds as clinically meaningless and not justifying the benefits of these drugs. I found his studies persuasive, but I disagree a little with this takeaway. There are people I know for whom this small but real benefit outweighs the side effects, and for them, my advice is to carry on taking the drugs.

But it is clear, once you explore this science, that drugs are far from being enough. We have to be able to have a nuanced and honest discussion that acknowledges an indisputable fact: that for huge numbers of people, antidepressants only provide either no relief or a small and temporary amount, and we need to radically expand the menu of options to help those people.

Our focus on biology has led us to think of depression and anxiety as malfunctions in the individual’s brain or genes — a pathology that must be removed. But the scientists who study the social and psychological causes of these problems tend to see them differently. Far from being a malfunction, they see depression as partly or even largely a function, a necessary signal that our needs are not being met.

Everyone knows that human beings have innate physical needs — for food, water, shelter, clean air. There is equally clear evidence that human beings have innate psychological needs: to belong, to have meaning and purpose in our lives, to feel we are valued, to feel we have a secure future. Our culture is getting less good at meeting those underlying needs for a large number of people — and this is one of the key drivers of the current epidemic of despair.

I interviewed in great depth scientists who have conclusively demonstrated that many factors in our lives can cause depression (not just unhappiness: full depression). Loneliness, being forced to work in a job you find meaningless, facing a future of financial insecurity — these are all circumstances where an underlying psychological need is not being met.

The strange case of the “grief exception” — and its profound implications

The difficulty that some parts of psychiatry have had in responding to these insights can be seen in a debate that has been playing out since the 1970s. In that decade, the American Psychiatric Association decided, for the first time, to standardize how depression (specifically, “major depressive disorder”) was diagnosed across the United States. By committee, they settled on a list of nine symptoms — persistent low mood, for instance, and loss of interest or pleasure — and told doctors across the country that if patients showed more than five of these symptoms for more than a couple of weeks, they should be diagnosed as mentally ill.

But as these instructions were acted on across the country, some doctors reported a slightly awkward problem. Using these guidelines, every person who has lost a loved one — every grieving person — should be classed as mentally ill. The symptoms of depression and the symptoms of grief were identical.

Embarrassed, the psychiatric authorities came up with an awkward solution. They created something called “the grief exception.” They told doctors to keep using the checklist unless somebody the patient loved had recently died, in which case it didn’t count. But this led to a debate that they didn’t know how to respond to. Doctors were supposed to tell their patients that depression was a brain disease to be identified on a checklist — but now there was, uniquely, one life situation where that explanation didn’t hold.

Why, some doctors began to ask, should grief be the only situation in which deep despair is not a sign of a mental disorder that should be treated with drugs? What if you have lost your job? Your house? Your community? Once you entertain the idea that depression might be a reasonable response to some life circumstances — as Joanne Cacciatore, an associate professor in the school of social work at Arizona State University, told me — our theories about depression require “an entire system overhaul.”

Rather than do this, the psychiatric authorities simply got rid of the grief exception.

Now grieving people can be diagnosed as mentally ill at once. Cacciatore’s research has found that about a third percent of parents who lose a child are drugged with antidepressants or sedatives in the first 48 hours after the death.

Once you understand that psychological and social context is crucial to understanding depression, it suggests we should be responding to this crisis differently from how we now do. To those doctors in Cambodia, the concept of an “antidepressant” didn’t entail changing your brain chemistry, an idea alien to their culture. It was about the community empowering the depressed person to change his life.

All over the world, I interviewed a growing group of scientists and doctors who are trying to integrate these insights into their work. For them, anything that reduces depression should be regarded as an antidepressant.

To know what to fight, we need to think harder about causes of mental malaise. I was able to identify nine causes of depression and anxiety for which there is scientific evidence. Seven are forms of disconnection: from other people, from meaningful work, from meaningful values, from the natural world, from a safe and secure childhood, from status, and from a future that makes sense to you. Two are biological: your genes, and real brain changes.

(It is too crude to describe these as a “chemical imbalance,” the typical shorthand today; Marc Lewis, a neuroscientist at the University of Toronto, told me it makes more sense to think of them as “synaptic pruning” — your brain sheds synapses you don’t use, and if you are pushed into a pained response for too long, your brain can shed synapses, making it harder to navigate away from dark thoughts.)

These scientists were asking: What would antidepressants that dealt with these causes, rather than only their symptoms, look like?

“Social prescribing”: a new kind of treatment

 

In a poor part of East London in the 1990s, Dr. Sam Everington was experiencing something uncomfortable. Patients were coming to him with depression and anxiety. “When we went to medical school,” he told me, “everything was biomedical, so what you described as depression was [due to] neurotransmitters.” The solution, then, was drugs. But that didn’t seem to match the reality of what he was seeing.

If Everington sat and talked with his patients and really listened, he felt that their pain made sense — they were often profoundly lonely, or financially insecure. He wasn’t against chemical antidepressants. But he felt that they were not responding to the underlying reasons his patients were depressed in the first place. So he tried a different approach — and ended up pioneering a fresh approach to fighting depression.

A patient named Lisa Cunningham came to Everington’s surgery clinic one day. She’d been basically shut away in her home, crippled with depression and anxiety, for seven years. She was told by staffers at the clinic that they would continue prescribing drugs to her if she wanted, but they were also going to prescribe a group therapy session of sorts. There was a patch of land behind the clinic, backing onto a public park, that was just scrubland. Lisa joined a group of around 20 other depressed people, two times a week for a full afternoon, to turn it into something beautiful.

On her first day there, Lisa felt physically sick with anxiety. It was awkward to converse with the others. Still, for the first time in a long time, she had something to talk about that wasn’t how depressed and anxious she was.

As the weeks and months — and eventually years — passed, Everington’s patients taught themselves gardening. They put their fingers in the soil. They figured out how to make things grow. They started to talk about their problems. Lisa was outraged to learn that one of the other people in the group was sleeping on a public bus — so she started to pressure the local authorities to house him. She succeeded. It was the first thing she had done for somebody else in a long time.

As Lisa put it to me: As the garden began to bloom, the people in it began to bloom too. Everington’s project has been widely influential in England but not rigorously analyzed by statisticians, who tend to focus on drug-centered treatment. But a study in Norway of a similar program found it was more than twice as effective as chemical antidepressants — part of a modest but growing body of research suggesting approaches like this can yield striking results.

This fits with a much wider body of evidence about depression: We know that social contact reduces depression, we know that distraction from rumination (to which depressives are highly prone) has a similar effect, and there is some evidence that exposure to the natural world, and anything that increases exposure to sunlight, also has antidepressant effects.

Everington calls this approach “social prescribing,” and he believes it works because it deals with some (but not all) of the deeper social and environmental causes of depression.

Economic stress can lead to depression

 

A study last week showed that anti-depressants work better than placebos. But many people who take them remain depressed, or return to a depressed condition.

I searched out other radical experiments with different kinds of social and psychological antidepressants, often in unexpected places. (Some of these were not designed as antidepressants but ended up serving that purpose.) In the 1970s, the Canadian government embarked on an experiment in a rural town called Dauphin, in Manitoba. They told the population there: From now on, we are going to give you, in monthly installments, a guaranteed basic income. You don’t have to do anything for it — you’re getting this because you are a citizen of our country — and nothing you do can mean we will take this away from you. It added up to roughly $17,000 in today’s US dollars (if they had no income from other sources).

Many things happened as a result of this three-year experiment, but one of the most striking is a big fall in hospitalizations — 8.5 percent in three years, according to Evelyn Forget, a professor in the department of community health services at the University of Manitoba and the leading expert on this experiment. Visits for mental health reasons accounted for a significant part of that drop, Forget says, and visits to doctors for mental health reasons also decreased.

“It just removed the stress — or reduced the stress — that people dealt with in their everyday lives,” she says. There is evidence that if you have no control at work, you are significantly more likely to become depressed (and to die of a stress-related heart attack). A guaranteed income “makes you less of a hostage to the job you have, and some of the jobs that people work just in order to survive are terrible, demeaning jobs.”

The scientists I spoke with wanted to keep chemical antidepressants on the menu, but also to radically expand the options available to depressed and anxious people. Some interventions are things individuals can do by themselves. One is taking part in groups dedicated to rediscovering meaning in life (anything from a choir to a campaign group). Another is practicing a form of mindfulness called “loving-kindness meditation” (an ancient technique for overcoming envy in which you train yourself to feel joy not just for your friends but also for strangers and even for people you dislike).

But many of the most effective social antidepressants require us to come together to fight for big social changes that will reduce depression, like changing our workplaces to reduce the amount of control and humiliation that happens there.

As a 39-year-old gay man, I have seen how people can band together to fight for seemingly impossible goals — and win, radically reducing the amount of unhappiness gay people face. I have also seen how, in one sense, the struggle is the solution: The act of banding together, identifying that you are being mistreated, and fighting for something better restores dignity to people who felt they had been defeated.

Is there a type of depression utterly unconnected to life circumstances?

As I absorbed all this evidence over three years, a persistent question kept coming to me. Yes, there are these deep causes of depression, but what about people who have nothing to be unhappy about, yet still feel this deep despair descend on them?

There is a debate among scientists about whether there is something called “endogenous depression” — a form of despair that is triggered purely by biology. The most detailed research into this, by George Brown of the Institute of psychiatry at the University of London and his colleague Tirril Harris, in the 1970s, found that people diagnosed with this problem in fact had just as many life challenges as people whose depression was supposed to be a response to life events. (They had spent years studying how long-term stress can radically increase depression.)

This could mean that endogenous depression does not exist — or it could mean that scientists were not good at spotting the difference back then. The scientists I spoke to agreed on one thing: If the condition does exist, it affects a tiny minority of depressed and anxious people.

But I only really felt I made a breakthrough in my own thinking — in understanding the mystery of why some people seem to become depressed “for no good reason” — when, by coincidence, I started reading some feminist texts from the 1960s.

At that time, it was common for women to go to their doctors and say something like: “Doctor, there must be something wrong with my nerves. I have everything a woman could want. I have a husband who doesn’t beat me, two kids, a house, a car, a washing machine — but I still feel terrible.” Doctors would agree that they had a problem and would prescribe them drugs like Valium. (The locus of the problem only migrated from the “nerves” to the brain in the 1990s.)

Now if we could go back in time and talk to those women, we would say, “Yes, you have everything you could possibly want by the standards of the culture.” But the standards of the culture are simply wrong: You need much more than this.

In the same way, today, when people tell me they must be biologically broken because they have “everything they could want” yet they are still depressed, I say: Tell me what you have. They talk about having money, or status, or expensive consumer goods. But these are not what people need to have meaningful lives.

If I start to ask about the social and environmental factors of depression and anxiety I’ve mentioned, I have yet to find a depressed person for whom at least some are not playing out. Perhaps some of us are simply biologically broke, but the idea that a purely biological story describes the vast majority of depressed and anxious people is by now, it is fair to say, discredited.

The lesson the psychiatrist took back from Cambodia

After he had completed his work in Cambodia, and after he had heard the story about the farmer who was given a cow as an antidepressant, Summerfield returned to London, where he worked as a psychiatrist, and he realized something he had never quite seen so clearly before. He thought about when he had most helped his depressed and anxious patients. Most often, it occurred to him, it was when he helped them to get secure housing, or to fix their immigration status, or to find a job. “When I make a difference, it’s when I’m addressing their social situation, not what’s between their ears,” he told me.

Yet we have, as a society, built our responses to depression and anxiety almost entirely around changing brains, rather than changing lives. Every year we have done this, our depression and anxiety crisis has got worse. When, I began to wonder, will we learn the lesson that those Cambodian doctors understood intuitively, and that the World Health Organization has been trying to explain to us: Our pain makes sense.

Johann Hari’s latest book is Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression — and the Unexpected Solutions.

This post originally appeared on Vox. This article is republished here with permission.

Source: https://getpocket.com/explore/item/we-need-new-ways-of-treating-depression

Overhaul for domestic abuse laws announced

The pledge to overhaul domestic abuse laws was almost two years ago and the public consultation closed eight months ago. Today, 21 January, we are finally seeing the content of a draft bill that is being hailed as a ‘once in a generation’ opportunity* to combat the impact of abuse by campaigners.

Sushma Kotecha, Managing Partner at the Stowe Family Law office in Nottingham shares her response:

“This is long overdue legislation that needs  urgent implementation to protect victims of domestic abuse both direct and indirect.

Often vulnerable children are caught up in the crossfire between their parents and their suffering is overlooked.

The physical, emotional and psychological impact of domestic abuse upon victims is profound and can have a devastating long-term impact on them.

Those assisting victims of domestic abuse, like us at Stowe Family Law and most importantly, the victims will welcome the proposed changes by the draft bill, which once implemented will protect and support the rights of victims and abolish the opportunity for perpetrators to extend their abuse.”

Here at Stowe Family Law, our domestic abuse solicitors can advise you of your legal options. Injunction proceedings can be issued swiftly, depending on the circumstances of your case, to provide you with the protection of the court. In cases where the victim of abuse is financially dependent on the abusing party, we can advise people of the law and their rights.

*Sourced from the BBC website.

The post Overhaul for domestic abuse laws announced appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: Sushma Kotecha