It doesn’t matter whether ‘Divorce Day’ is a thing or not

My three top tips for getting through your Divorce Day (and beyond)

Every year at this time family lawyers debate over whether there is, or isn’t, such a thing as ‘Divorce Day’, the busiest day of the year for divorce lawyers, when more people seek a divorce than on any other day. Of course, the debate is academic: if you are seeking a divorce today, then today is Divorce Day for you.

In case there are any readers who have not heard of ‘Divorce Day’ (where have you been?), I suppose I should explain it in a little more detail.

The popular media will tell you that today (or possibly next Monday, the first day of the first full working week of the year) is the day when family lawyers receive more new divorce instructions than on any other day of the year. The idea is that the Christmas break was the final straw for many marriages, with spouses realising, after being forced to spend a less than happy holiday with their other half, that it is time to untie the knot, and make a fresh start in the New Year.

And it is not just the media. Many family lawyers will swear that Divorce Day is a real thing. Many others, however, will be equally adamant that it is nothing more than a media invention, useful for filling a few column inches, or a few minutes of a news programme, in an otherwise quiet news week. The first week in January, they say, does not come with a particular spike in new divorce instructions. They also, I’m sure, feel that the whole idea of ‘Divorce Day’ is somewhat tasteless.

Every year at this time I see family lawyers on social media arguing for one side or the other. I used to partake in the argument itself, but these days I don’t really feel qualified to do so, not having practised now for some nine years, and therefore not being able to comment by reference to my own recent experience.

But if you are one of those who has decided now is the moment to call time on your marriage then it doesn’t matter whether Divorce Day is a real thing or not. This is your Divorce Day, and you are going to have to deal with it.

Of course, divorce is about much more than just initiating the process, scary though that may be. Your Divorce Day is just the beginning.

A lawyer can’t tell you whether or not you should commence divorce proceedings, but they can give you advice to help you get through the process. To strip things down to the bare essentials, here are my top three tips for getting through your Divorce Day, and beyond:

  1. If you have dependent children, put them first. This really is the most important thing to remember, at all stages of the divorce process. It doesn’t just mean sorting out arrangements for who the children will live with, or for how much child support the other parent will pay, it also means considering the effect upon the children of your actions throughout the process. Long and highly contested financial remedy proceedings, for example, could have a damaging effect upon children witnessing their parents warring with one another.

And when it comes to arrangements for the children, always ask yourself: is this really best for them, or is it just best for me? Many parents fall into the trap of thinking that just because they want a particular arrangement, that must be best for their children.

  1. Get the best advice you can, and follow it. By all means accept the support of friends and family, but don’t accept ‘legal advice’ from them, however well-meaning it might be. Many is the time that family lawyers have to explain the folly of advice received ‘in the pub’. If you can afford it, instruct a good family lawyer. Even if you can’t afford to have them represent you throughout the process, get some initial advice if you possibly can.

And follow the advice. Obviously, it is pointless paying for advice and then not following it. I’m not saying that you have to do everything your lawyer advises, but there are many clients who think they know best and simply refuse to listen to any advice that is contrary to what they have already decided should happen. Needless to say, that is a recipe for disaster.

  1. Lastly, make every reasonable effort to remain amicable, and to settle matters by agreement. I know that staying amicable can be easier said than done, but it really does help, especially if there are children. Remember, parents will still have to deal with each other. You don’t have to remain friends with your former spouse, just on reasonable speaking terms.

And if you do, then it will be so much more likely that you will be able to resolve matters by agreement, rather than having to go through long, costly, and possibly destructive contested court proceedings.

And you should try to settle. Apart from anything else, any party who does not make a reasonable effort to resolve matters by agreement, whether by negotiation, mediation or some other means, will be frowned upon by the court. But it is about more than that, and more than just avoiding contested court proceedings. You are likely to be far happier with a settlement reached by agreement than with one imposed upon you by the court.

If it is Divorce Day for you then I hope these basic tips will help you get through it, and the process that it begins.

The post It doesn’t matter whether ‘Divorce Day’ is a thing or not appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: John Bolch

The first five steps towards getting a divorce

The beginning of January sparks a surge in divorce enquiries so we decided to ask our specialist divorce lawyers, what steps you need to take first if you have decided to get a divorce or separate after a long-term relationship.

The top 5 are below.

Take a step back

First, take a step. Is the marriage irreparable? Have you tried couple counselling? Christmas is a mix of happiness and tension so if emotions have run away over the festive season make sure you take stock and think through your decision. It will affect the rest of your life.

Find your marriage certificate

If you decide  that divorce is the right thing for you then the first step is to find your marriage certificate. You will need this to start divorce proceedings. And it cannot be a photocopy. Don’t panic if you cannot find it. You can order a replacement online here.

Prioritise the children

Put the children first and be mindful of them in every decision you make. Even though the relationship has broken down you will still need to co-parent and work with your partner. This will be so much easier if where possible, you are amicable. Try to not lose sight of this if tensions flare.

Get your finances in order

To work out an equal split of finances and assets you need to have a clear picture of the marital pot. Make a list of assets, liabilities and income (earnings, property values, mortgage, loans, credit and store cards, savings and pensions) as best you and gather together all the relevant paperwork.

You will need all of this information to complete Form E, which requires you to set out a full financial disclosure of all assets and financial resources so it is worth pulling it together now.

Consult a divorce lawyer

Every case is different, so the best advice is to get professional legal advice as soon as you can. It is important that you make the call and make an appointment.

Planning for your meeting will help you feel prepared for that first meeting. You will feel anxious but having a clear idea about what information you need and questions to ask will help you feel more in control.

Think about your journey times, where to park etc so you are not rushing. We always recommend that you do not bring your children. Any paperwork that you can gather and take with you is helpful and will help the case to progress quickly. The work that you undertook in step 4 will ensure you are ahead of the process in your first meeting.

Divorce is never easy and there is no magic solution so make sure you get the support that you need. Counselling and divorce coaching are both great tools to help you manage the anxiety and stress it can cause. Be mindful of your needs and the children’s needs and where possible, prepare and plan. Compromise also goes a long way.

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Author: Stowe Family Law

What does EastEnders tell us about divorce and Christmas?

Let’s be honest, there is no such thing as a merry Christmas in EastEnders with the Christmas Day episode now famous for its dramatic events from tragic deaths to murders to illicit affairs.

But when a recent poll placed the Max and Stacey’s affair reveal from 2007 as the most shocking soap Christmas moment it highlighted that most of them are based on family and relationships dramas.

The Den & Angie divorce

Back in 1986, approximately 30.1 million viewers tuned in on Christmas Day to watch Den serve Angie divorce papers, sealing its position as one of the most popular and shocking soap moments.

Taking place next to the crisp boxes in the Queen Vic, Den informs Angie that he has a letter from his solicitor saying he has filed a petition for divorce and that she needs to get one herself, quickly. Well, at least he gave some good advice.

Possibly served on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, Angie had feigned a terminal illness to keep the marriage going but had revealed all in a drunken conversation on the Orient Express that Den overheard.

So, can you file for a divorce using this as a reason? Specialist family lawyer, Sarah Jane Lenihan from our London Victoria office explains:

In order to file for a divorce in England you need to prove to the court that the marriage has irretrievably broken down which has to be based on one of five facts:

Adultery
Behaviour of such a nature that you cannot be expected to live with them
Desertion
2 years separation with consent
5 years separation

If Den had been my client I would have advised him that we could file a divorce based on her behaviour if he felt he could no longer live with her. If not, he would need to wait for two years and even then, it would require Angie’s consent

I would draft a petition for Den including how Angie’s behaviour has impacted him. I often see dishonesty  as a key factor in behaviour petitions whether it is like Angie being dishonest about health/debts/where or who they are spending their time with or dishonesty around addiction whether it be drugs/alcohol or sex.

The Max & Stacey affair

Another memorable Christmas Day moment was in 2007 when the affair between Max and Stacey, who was rather awkwardly married to Max’s son Bradley at the time, was revealed.

Having been caught on camera a few months earlier, the scene somehow made it onto the wedding video which was shown to the whole family in the living room after the presents opening. By July 2009, Stacey was shown signing her divorce papers, albeit reluctantly.

Fast forward to early 2018 and Stacey has been thrown out of her home and in a custody battle with her husband Martin over their three children after she has another short affair with Max on Christmas Eve.

This Christmas, Stacey has been reunited with Martin, but the marriage is struggling with Martin recently declaring “I want a divorce…”

Sarah Jane explains:

It is likely that Bradley issued his divorce based on Stacey’s adultery. However, this would have required Stacey’s to admit the adultery or Bradley to be able to prove it. Without either of these, Bradley would have had to consider issuing a petition on her unreasonable behaviour.

However, I often find that adultery may not have been the root cause of the marriage breaking down, adulterous relationships don’t usually begin within happy marriages. When I first meet a client, I take details of their breakup and the reasons why to assist me in providing the most appropriate approach for that individual, considering all the circumstances of the case.

I am frequently asked by clients, does adultery have any impact on your settlement or spending time with the children?

The answer to this is specific to each case however generally an act of adultery itself would not legally have an impact on either the financial outcome or the individual spending time with their children.

It can have an impact emotionally on the other party which can in turn make negotiation difficult as they feel that the other party should be ‘punished’ for their behaviour.

Relationship worries at Christmas

Christmas can easily put pressure on relationships and marriages. Dubbed Divorce Day, the first Monday in January is apparently the most popular day to start legal procedures for a divorce as marriages meltdown over the festive season.

Well, they certainly do in EastEnders….

If your relationship is struggling to survive Christmas season, the best advice is to seek early legal advice, so you know your rights from the beginning.

You can contact Sarah Jane Lenihan at the contact details below.

The post What does EastEnders tell us about divorce and Christmas? appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: Sarah Jane Lenihan

Parenting Apps

Co-Parenting Woes: There’s an App for That

By Darla Jackson and Jim Calloway

Ask any parent and they will likely agree that parenting is a difficult job in the best of circumstances. Co-parenting during and after a divorce, where negative feelings and miscommunication have often been the case, increases the difficulty of focusing on the interest of the children. In today’s app-filled world, you would expect there to be apps to help with clear communication, documentation and scheduling between co-parents, and there are.

This article covers six apps that can assist with co-parenting. The use of these apps may be ordered by a court.1 Sometimes family law attorneys or other professionals recommend the apps to their clients. Divorced or separated parents may locate these tools on their own.

The relationship between the parents, the technological competence of the parents, the device and platforms the apps utilize, the likelihood the parents will use the app and available budget are all factors to be considered when choosing such an app.

FEATURES
While not an all-inclusive list, some of the features of co-parenting apps are:

  1. Calendars with embedded tools to create parenting schedules, record upcoming events and make requests for trades in parenting time
  2. Expense and payment tracking tools that allow parents to communicate about parenting costs and to attach virtual receipts
  3. A banking feature that allows for transfers between parents’ banking accounts for parenting-related costs such as child support or medical expenses
  4. A feature to maintain a record of vital family information that both parents and caregivers have access to, such as medical insurance, medication, Social Security numbers, etc.
  5. A message board or message feature where important topics can be discussed
  6. An accountability tool that dates and timestamps all messages sent as well as the date and time when those messages were viewed2

APPS
We focus on six apps. There are others and, many of the others are discussed in the articles and blogs referenced.

OurFamilyWizard

OurFamilyWizard (OFW) is perhaps one of the most often recommended3 co-parenting apps. One attorney-authored blog about the app differentiates OFW from other similar apps, indicating that “[w]hile some co-parent communication tools only facilitate messaging, the OurFamilyWizard website offers a full suite of tools to help parents create parenting schedules, log expenses, send reimbursements, and share important family information.”4 One of the more unique features offered by OFW is its ToneMeter. The ToneMeter, sometimes referred to as an “emotional spellchecker,” will “identify and flag emotionally charged sentences within your OurFamilyWizard message. As intuitive as grammar or spell-check, ToneMeter goes beyond sentiment to gauge words and phrases against eight levels of connotative feeling, allowing the end user to make real-time corrections and adjust the overall tone of messages.”5 However, ToneMeter is currently available only for communications in English.

OFW is also favored by some attorneys because it “makes it easy for professionals to work with clients. OFW Family Law Practitioner provides a way to oversee parent activity and access court-ready reports at no cost.”6 Yet, while OFW is “one of the oldest and most established of the co-parenting apps [that] … has been developing and refining their program for the last 15 years”7 it received only a 2.2 average rating in the App Store. One attorney has suggested that although he recommended OFW for several years, in part, because of the cost, he has had few clients use the app and had received no feedback from those who did.8

The cost of OFW depends on the period of subscription and the package selected. The basic subscription is $99 per year for each parent.9 A professional account is free. As described by OFW, the “professional account gives you the ability to create parent accounts, manage a database of your clients, store important client documents online (judgment and decree, court orders, etc.), communicate with your clients, create client to do lists, and much more. This account gives you the ability to see what is actually going on in your cases. All of the information is directly tied to the parent accounts that you create.”10

If you already use a practice management solution with a client portal feature, you can share documents, events and information with your client. However, a practice management solution will not facilitate communications between co-parents. For attorneys wanting to offer the app as part of the legal services provided, OFW offers volume discounts which may represent significant savings depending on the number of subscriptions purchased. For example, for a firm that provides accounts to 20 clients the package pricing is $240 less than 20 individually priced accounts.11

2Houses

2Houses has been described as “on par with Our Family Wizard and slightly less expensive.”12 2Houses offers a calendar to organize events, share information about appointments, a journal to record notes and important reminders and an expense module to manage child-related expenses for both parents.13 One of the features of 2Houses users appreciate is the ability to upload and export photo albums.

Even though it has many features, the app is described as “very user friendly, organized, and intuitive.”14The cost of 2Houses is $10 per month or $120 per year for a family, regardless of the number of family members.

AppClose

AppClose is described on one law firm blog as:

It turned out to be my top choice … First, it’s free. Second, it’s very user friendly and has most of the features to address common parenting disputes. It keeps track of messages and shows you the latest when you open the app. The shared calendar provides schedule templates, with descriptions like “Alternating weeks” and an explanation of how that schedule is followed. Parents can use a template with specified days/times and apply it to one or more children, or have the option to customize the entire parenting time schedule. Parents have the ability to create events, notify family members, and create reminders. Parents can request a parenting time trade or drop off/pick up change in the app. The reimbursement request has an option to attach an image and allows parents to keep track of their share of the expense and payments that are made.

This app includes a place to keep important, detailed information about each child, but parents will need to do some customization when it comes to organizing that information. I found this app easy to navigate and fairly intuitive after getting accustomed to it. This would be the best alternative to the subscription services … Also, this app, available at appclose.com, has a separate side for attorneys to communicate with clients and accept electronic payments.”15

AppClose is a free download from the App Store or Google Play. Additionally, as suggested previously, AppClose integrates with LawPay to allow electronic payments.16

Kidganizer

Kidganizer is suggested as “great for a couple who find it difficult to get together, either because of divorce, [difficulty communicating well face to face], or time constraints”17 or if you “have a number of people involved in the care of your children and need a central point for communication and record keeping.”18 The app provides parents with the ability to create profiles for each child and input information including scheduling and finances. Updates to the system are in real time, allowing all users of the system to have access to current information.

The cost of Kidganizer is $1.99, but the app is not available for all platforms.

CustodyJunction.com

CustodyJunction.com is designed to facilitate co-parenting arrangements both before and after the divorce. The calendar and tracking features allow parents to schedule current and future visitation and support arrangements for a significant period of time in advance (up to two years). Custody Junction also generates customized reports on topics of concern such as visitation, support payments, expenses and hours spent with a child. The customized reports can be shared with third parties, including lawyers or court-appointed professionals.19

Custody Junction is a web-based service and the service cost “is an affordable $47” for a one-year subscription.20

Talking Parents

Talking Parents is a free service described as being “designed as a secure communication system for divorced and separated parents.”21 Talking Parents primary feature is a “secure” messaging system. The system is operated so that “conversations cannot be edited or deleted, allowing for both parents to maintain a verified record of past conversations. Files can be uploaded and attached to messages as well. The system tracks when messages are sent, when parents sign in and out of the system, and when parents view each message for the first time.”22 Additionally, the system has an export feature that, for a fee, allows parents to export a transcript of past communications to a PDF file.

A standard account is available for free. Parents can upgrade to a premium account for $4.99 per month. “Premium accounts include unlimited access to PDF records; a totally ad-free experience across all devices; a 10 percent discount on printed records; and access to our new iPhone and Android apps which include new message notifications right on their mobile device. Parents can cancel Premium status anytime and their account will revert back to a Standard account.”23

SECURITY CONCERNS

The discussion of “secure” systems brings to mind a caution regarding app security. While an in-depth discussion regarding the security measures included in these types of apps is beyond the scope of this article, before ordering, recommending or adopting an app, one should inquire about the security measures employed to protect the information and carefully review the terms of service. Although Talking Parents emphasizes that the app provides a “secure” environment, its terms of service does not address encryption or legal requirements for systems containing medical records. Rather, the terms of service contain the following language:

TalkingParents.com will attempt at all times to keep your information confidential, subject to the other provisions of these Terms …. Any breach of our security measures will be the sole responsibility of the breaching party and TalkingParents.com will not be subject to any sort of liability as a result. In the event of a security breach, TalkingParents.com will make every reasonable attempt to re-secure our services and will provide an explanation of the breach upon written request.24

It should also be noted that we did not test drive all of these apps. An extensive test drive of all features would be required before recommending the app to clients. At some point a client will ask the lawyer about some function of the app and the response of “I don’t know how to use the app” will not endear the lawyer to the client who had to learn how to use it.

CONCLUSION
There are numerous apps and online resources to assist with the woes of divorcing parents and their attorneys. While tools like client portals may help with communications between clients and attorneys, these tools facilitate more neutral communications between co-parents, reducing the temptation to use their children to carry important communications.

Divorcing and divorced parents are becoming more familiar with these tools and some family law attorneys are promoting and using them as evidenced by the number of reviews and blog posts we have cited. Lawyers with technology skills might develop their own tools, integrate existing resources with their practice management systems25 or suggest use of other communication resources, such as Facetime and Google Calendar.26

Lawyers who practice family law appreciate that the pain, both financial and emotional, of divorce often impairs parents’ ability to communicate and objectively consider what is in the best interests of the children. Knowing that communications are tracked and recorded should improve appropriate communication. Perhaps being “forced by the lawyers to use this app” will be the starting point for other types of cooperation. Cooperation and effective communication will help parents make the decisions about the care of their children and will likely make the work of attorneys and judges easier as well.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Jim Calloway is the director of the OBA Management Assistance Program and manages the OBA Solo & Small Firm Conference. He served as the chair of the 2005 ABA TECHSHOW board. His Law Practice Tips blog and Digital Edge podcast cover technology and management issues. He speaks frequently on law office management, legal technology, ethics and business operations.

Darla Jackson is the OBA practice management advisor. She earned her J.D. from the OU College of Law. She also holds a Masters of Library Science from OU and an LL.M. in international law from the University of Georgia School of Law. She has practiced as an Air Force judge advocate and served as a law library director at the University of South Dakota School of Law.

  1. “We have already seen technology assisting judges in family law cases. Parents have been ordered to provide Skype or Facetime to children so they can communicate with the other parent. They have also been ordered to use apps like “Our Family Wizard” to track parenting time, reduce divorce conflict and remove the “he said/she said” that keeps families returning to court over custody and coparenting issues.” Sharon D. Nelson & John W. Simek, Through a Glass, Darkly, 74 Or. St. B. Bull. 62 (2013-2014). Two apps, OFW and Talking Parents, even provides language that parties may suggest in preparing orders for courts. The OFW suggested language includes the following: “All parents entries shall be viewable via a Professional Account to both parties’ attorney(s) of record and the (Judge / Commissioner / Minor’sCounsel/ Parent Coordinator/ Special Masters /GAL ) assigned.” Our Family Wizard, Common Order Language. www.ourfamilywizard.com/sites/default/files/pdfs/Model_Language8.13.pdf. See also Talking Parents, Court Enforcementwww.talkingparents.com/court-enforcement.
  2. This list of possible features is summarized from Lisa Brick, A Must Have App to Co-Parent with Ease, Huff Post Blog (Aug. 30, 2016 05:34 pm ET, Updated Aug. 31, 2017), www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-mcmahon/a-must-have-app-to-copare_b_11549114.html.
  3. Natalie R. Kelly and Michael Monahan, Legal Tech Tips, Ga. B.J. 46, Oct. 2017, at 46, digitaleditions.walsworthprintgroup.com/publication/?i=441814#{“issue_id”: 441814,”page”:48}. recommends OFW as one of three coparenting apps. LawInfo, Co-Parent App Helps Manage Kids’ Lives, LawInfo Blog (May 3, 2017), blog.lawinfo.com/2017/05/03/co-parent-app-helps-manage-kids-lives/, also list OFW as an app to help with coparenting.
  4. John Harding, Our Family Wizard, Family Law Lawyer Tech & Practice (Jan. 20, 2017). familylawyertech.blogspot.com/2017/01/our-family-wizard.html.
  5. Our Family Wizard, Frequently Asked Questions – ToneMeter, Your Emotional Spell-Checkwww.ourfamilywizard.com/help/tonemeter-your-emotional-spell-check.
  6. Id.
  7. Lisa Brick, A Must Have App to Co-Parent with Ease, supranote 2.
  8. Seif & McNamee, Getting the Most Out of Co-Parenting Technology, Seif & McNamee Blog (Mar. 29, 2017), law-oh.com/2017/03/29/getting-the-most-out-of-co-parenting-technology/.
  9. Our Family Wizard, Plans and Pricingwww.ourfamilywizard.com/plans-and-pricing(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
  10. Id.
  11. Id.
  12. Seif & McNamee, Getting the Most Out of Co-Parenting Technology, supranote 8.
  13. Id.
  14. Id.
  15. Id.
  16. LawPay, AppCloselawpay.com/appclose/(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
  17. CoParents.comThree Useful Co-Parenting Apps, CoParents.com Blog (Feb. 2, 2016), www.coparents.com/blog/three-useful-co-parenting-apps/.
  18. Lucy Good, 5 Apps for Calm and Controlled Co-Parenting, Beanstalk (Feb. 7, 2016, updated on Sept.9, 2017), beanstalkmums.com.au/co-parenting-apps-for-calm-and-controlled-parenting/(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
  19. Tracey Dowdy, Apps to Help with Co-Parenting, TheOnlineMom (www.theonlinemom.com/apps-help-co-parenting/(last visited Jan. 9. 2018).
  20. CustodyJunction, Pricingwww.custodyjunction.com/pricing.shtml(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
  21. Grant Toeppen and Lora Grevious, Co-Parenting Apps and Online Resources, Toeppen & Grevious (Jan. 13, 2016), grantandlora.com/co-parenting-apps-and-online-resources/.
  22. Id.
  23. Talking Parents, How it Workswww.talkingparents.com/how-it-works(last visited Jan. 9, 2018).
  24. Talking Parents, Terms of Service, Talking Parents (Sept. 15, 2017), www.talkingparents.com/terms-of-service.
  25. Yet there are security concerns that need to be addressed when resources are integrated or linked. Juliana Hoyt, Getting Up to Speed: Tech Savvy Tips for ADR Professionals – A Mile Wide, Inch Deep Review of Online Resources for Your Business, Vermont B.J. (Fall 2010), at 45, www.riverstoneresolutions.com/files/ADR%20Getting%20Up%20To%20Speed%20Tech%20Savvy%20Tips%20for%20ADR%20Professionals%20Hoyt.pdf(web-based version does not reflect pagination of print original).
  26. Brandie Weikle, Divorced Parenting in the 21st Century — There’s an App for That, TheStar.com (Mar. 24, 2016), www.thestar.com/life/2016/03/24/divorced-parenting-in-the-21st-century-theres-an-app-for-that.html, suggests the use of Google Calendar, and Damien McKinney, Co-Parenting In The Digital Age, www.themckinneylawgroup.com/co-parenting-digital-age/, addresses the use of Facebook.

 

Originally published in the Oklahoma Bar Journal — OBJ 89 pg. 28 (March 2018)

How Parents’ Behavior Affects Children During a Divorce

Co-authored by Sara Au

If you’re divorcing, it’s very likely that your world is being rocked like no other time in your life. You may feel shell-shocked, unmoored, enraged or depressed. All of those feelings–and more–are completely normal, and you need to deal with them or find help if you cannot. It’s natural for you to want to lash out at the world, or withdraw from it, or otherwise act on your feelings, but when you’re a parent you need to consider how your actions will affect your children and their behavior.

It’s so hard to hold it all together, but here are some do’s and don’ts that will go very far in helping your child adjust to this change in their lives, and protect their positive development during a difficult time:

It’s important not to share with your children how distressed, frustrated, or depressed you are about the situation. This does not mean you can’t show emotion. Showing and managing emotions help kids learn to do the same. But intense feelings that you struggle to manage should be dealt with using your own support system. You can’t expect your children to handle the burden of being your primary emotional support.
Keep your promises. If you say you’ll be somewhere with the kids, then make sure you are there. If your children are due to spend time with your ex, make sure you’re respectful of that time. Children need both parents in their lives whenever possible. It’s important that your kids have regular contact with you both.
Give your children privacy and space to freely interact with their other parent without feeling like you’re monitoring them. Of course, you need to know they are safe, but when they are with your ex, let them be with them, and let your ex shoulder the responsibility for them. (This might be a good time to get your children a cell phone, if they don’t already have one. Even if it’s a bit earlier than planned, that gives them the freedom to contact you both, and you the opportunity to contact them if needed. Just don’t be in constant contact when they’re away from you.)

Don’t take actions that undermine the other parent. If the other parent is actively undermining you, and you don’t have a civil relationship where you can compromise, then just focus on your own home’s stability and rules. Resist the urge to retaliate or complain to your children about the situation. Don’t grill your children about your ex-spouse and his or her activities, either. You can be a good role model for behavior regardless of whether your ex-spouse is doing so.
Don’t be a victim of divorce. Strive to be a model resilience and self-reliance. This is a horribly emotional thing to go through, but it’s just as powerful of a message when your kids see you bounce back. They do need to know that terrible things can happen in life, some of which are outside of our control, but we do not let such events ruin our lives forever.

If your family life has already become acrimonious, it’s not too late to take steps to turn that around. It will take time, but it can be accomplished. An amicable relationship between divorced parties is best for all involved, but if that cannot be managed, civility and avoidance of conflict between the adults will foster the best outcomes for the children.
Your choices and behavior have far-reaching consequences when you’re parenting through a divorce. Being able to partition your feelings and your reactions to problems between you and your ex is essential, so that you can be a role model for your children. (Finding an adult outlet to vent your feelings with is also essential–for your own well-being.)

Even though divorce can be difficult, children can make it through resiliently and can even thrive in homes where each parent is happier and potentially more fulfilled in their own personal life.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peter-l-stavinoha-ph-d-/how-parents-behavior-affe_1_b_8133150.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

Divorce and the Grieving Process

Divorce and the Grieving Process

Posted: 07/08/2013 7:39 pm
While there may be disagreement regarding whether or not divorce in and of itself is damaging to children, the more the adults argue, especially about the children, the more likely it is that the children will be unnecessarily harmed by the divorce. The accumulated research in the field of divorce indicates that what takes place during and after a divorce can damage children. The adversarial process has a much greater potential of causing parental conflict or otherwise exacerbating it both during and after the divorce process. To the extent that parental conflict, especially about the children, harms children, the adversarial process can be seen as presenting a greater risk to children than other methods of becoming divorced. In essence, by using an adversarial approach, we increase the likelihood and level of conflict. Meanwhile, constructive and cooperative co-parenting is far less likely with ongoing conflict.

As with death, divorce brings in its wake stress, grief, fear and loss. In fact, the psychological community views divorce as a stress or grief process. They recognize that a cycle of conflict is predictable, when someone fails to grieve the losses associated with divorce. They also know that it is much more likely that the conflict will persist unless and until the grief has been resolved. As a result, such individuals are more likely to litigate intensely and repeatedly. Unfortunately, by emphasizing the legal battle, the divorce process tends to interfere with the grieving process.

In her book titled The Good Karma Divorce, Judge Michele Lowrance states “Moving forward with your life is critical to the process of healing. A court battle requires freezing at the stage of blame and fault. The debate escalates in court, focusing on who did what to whom. Character maligning becomes the focus rather than problem solving. This has an effect on you (and your relationship with your former spouse) that will last well beyond the end of the trial. Many people have told me years later that they wished they had never gone to trial because of how much it hurt them and their family.”

It occurs to me that many lawyers believe that the conflict will be resolved once the parties reach an agreement or the Court otherwise makes its orders. This is a distinction between dispute resolution and conflict resolution and it is more than semantics.

In Germany, after the role of attorneys in family law changed from escalating conflict to deescalating it, the results improved significantly. As the level of conflict decreases, so does the level of anger and distrust between parties. The manner in which parents communicate with each other about the children both during and after the divorce improves as the level of hostility diminishes. There also appears to be a relationship between the conflict level and incidents of serious domestic violence, as well as parental alienation. Not surprisingly, the percentage of cases resolved outside of court increases as discord wanes. Since issues pertaining to children and support tend to be the most litigated and re-litigated matters, as the level of conflict dwindles, so does the need for court involvement in family law related cases.

All of this suggests that lawyers involved in the field of family law should have a better understanding of grief and loss. It also suggests that lawyers should recognize that spouses in high conflict divorces tend to distort reality in order to avoid grieving. Therefore, families benefit if matrimonial attorneys understand the sources of ongoing conflict between divorcing and divorced spouses. This would help to positively impact parenting during and after the divorce process, which in turn would benefit the children of divorce.

Attorneys need not be trained in psychology in order to reduce conflict. Rather, they merely need to understand the psychological stages their clients are experiencing. The five stages of grief are as follows: (1) denial; (2) anger and resentment; (3) bargaining; (4) depression; and (5) acceptance.

As my esteemed colleague, Pauline Tesler told me, “the most significant variable affecting whether a divorce will be managed well or whether it will slide into high conflict litigation is who the parties select as their lawyers. Lawyers who understand the nature of human conflict and who aim to help people resolve it, right from the start, handle their cases entirely differently from lawyers who may have reasonably positive views of mediation, but who treat it as just another way of getting to a legal-template deal and who see their job as preparing for maximum measurable gain at trial.” This is entirely consistent with the psychological research which shows the benefits of early intervention to reduce levels of parental conflict and potential litigation to divorcing families. Conflict is reduced by appropriately addressing the grief and loss from the very beginning. Doesn’t it therefore make sense that lawyers involved in the field of family law should have a better understanding of grief and loss?

Source : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-baer/divorce-and-the-grieving-_b_3554969.html?goback=%2Egde_96041_member_256392481

Despite DNA, Dad’s Paternity Denied

By Michael Lindenberger Tuesday, Apr. 29, 2008
For nearly two years, James Rhoades, a university librarian in Tallahassee, has been fighting to establish in law what science and fact already have shown beyond any doubt: He is the biological father of the boy dubbed J.A.R. He’s got DNA tests to prove it, and videos and loads of pictures of him with the boy. In the photos too are the boy’s mother, J.N.R., whom Rhoades met while taking an online graduate course. She was — and still is — married to another man, who was stationed at a Pensacola-area Air Force base during their affair in 2005. And that’s the problem.

Last week, in a decision that underscores the tense relationship between science and law, a divided Kentucky Supreme Court told Rhoades that he could not press his paternity claim, no matter what evidence of fatherhood he might have, because J.N.R. was, and remains, a married woman. When it comes to defining fatherhood in the Bluegrass State, where Ricketts and her husband now live, the marital “I do” mean a lot more than DNA.

The 4-3 decision splintered the court, which issued five separate opinions. The majority was itself divided evenly among two camps, one that said Rhoades might have prevailed had he been able to show the J.N.R.’s “marital relationship had ceased at least 10 months” prior to the boy’s birth, and another that said no “stranger to the marriage” can ever attack the legitimacy of a child’s birth. “As long as marriage is on the books, it must mean something,” wrote Justice Bill Cunningham in one of two concurring opinions. “… We are in need of a bold declaration that the marriage circle, even one with an errant partner, will be invaded at one’s own legal risk.” He added: “While the legal status of marriage in this early 21st century appears to be on life support, it is not dead.”

The decision has left Rhoades devastated. “What I wanted was not just to see my son but to participate in his life,” Rhoades told TIME. “He is my son and I love him.” Kentucky’s ruling is firmly grounded in the history of the law, however. In fact, the so-called marital presumption has barred attacks on the legitimacy of children for centuries. Courts have forever held that allegations of fatherhood by third parties can only disrupt the family, confuse or embarrass the child, and unsettle the social order.

But unlike the past, such allegations these days are often backed by science, introducing certainty where none before existed. As of a result, the prohibition on third-party challenges to paternity has begun to weaken. By 2000, at least 33 states had adopted rules that allowed challenges by fathers with genetic proof of their paternity, usually restricting such efforts to the first two years of a child’s life. The advent of DNA testing has tread a similarly disruptive course in other areas of law, including criminal cases where exonerations once thought impossible are becoming routine. A few states have even begun allowing ex-husbands to present DNA evidence that they were duped by cheating spouses to avoid child support obligations.

For Rhoades, the changes are coming too slow, however. Unable to present proof of his paternity, he won’t be able to seek custody or visitation rights. As a result, he’ll be a stranger to his son until such a time as the boy’s legal parents decide to tell him, if ever. “My son is going to find out the truth eventually,” he said. “Is he going to find out when he is 13, 14 that everybody in his life has lied to him?”

Justice Lisabeth Hughes Abramson raised just that point in a fiercely worded dissent attacking the majority’s notion that the boy will be better off not knowing the truth about his parentage. “Our world is full of inconvenient truths. We accomplish nothing for families, the broader community and our justice system when we deny those truths.” she wrote.

Rhoades said he plans to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court on constitutional grounds. But he faces long odds there, given that the high court has already ruled once, in 1989, on the same issue, upholding California’s explicit bar against paternity challenges like his. That decision too was divided and contentious. The biological father in that case did not get to see his daughter till she had turned 21. “Well, obviously I am not going to give up and say, ‘Oh well I lost,'” Rhoades says. “I believe I have a fundamental right to be in my son’s life.” The trouble is: nature’s law isn’t the law of the land.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1736006,00.html#ixzz2Rxz92umf

Therapy Can Be an Important Part of the Divorce Process

One of the things that I have noticed over the course of my career as a family law attorney is that people going through the divorce process have an unwillingness to go to therapy even though they could benefit greatly from the process. “I don’t need help, I’m dealing with it” or “I need a divorce, not therapy” are refrains I have become used to hearing.

What seems counter intuitive to me, though, is that seeking counseling after the death of a loved one has no stigma attached, while many individuals going through divorce believe getting therapy after the death of a marriage does. The goals of the two are the same: To help people get on with their lives, and when children are involved, helping their children deal with these significant changes in their lives as well.

One shouldn’t have to feel embarrassed about getting help.

If you are having a difficult time coping with a divorce or with the changes in your life that are the result of a divorce, guess what. That’s normal. A divorce is a traumatic event in a person’s life and it takes time and often outside help to heal. The good news is that you’re not alone. It is natural in your position to need someone who will listen to you and help you adjust to your new life and the death of your old life. Seeking help in your time of emotional need from a professional is not only nothing to be ashamed about, but in a lot of cases, the most prudent step you can take. Even if your soon to be ex-spouse tries to make it an issue in a custody dispute, chances are that the court won’t see it as an issue, because the Judge gets that you are seeking help to better adjust, and that is something to be commended not condemned.

If children are involved, they need someone to talk to.

Children are not always “resilient” as is commonly claimed. They may try to act brave, but imagine how difficult and confusing it is for a child to be caught in a tug of war between two parents, going from one house to another, or not getting to wake up in the same bed every morning. Many parents think their children don’t need therapy because the child can talk to them, but seriously, if your parents were going through a divorce, would you want to talk to mom about dad and vice versa? Would you feel comfortable telling your parent you aren’t happy with him or her? Children of divorce have their own set of issues and you should be open to your child seeing a mental health professional.

Your actions affect your children.

Consider the harmful effect on the children when parents don’t communicate well. For example, something I’ve seen over and over again is the “I don’t even mention him/her” syndrome.

“My child is secretive about what happens when she is with my ex and whenever we discuss her feelings she tells me one thing and tells my ex something else. She can’t know how much I hate him because I never bad mouth him. In fact, I don’t mention him at all.”  

If you think not mentioning your ex is helping your child, you are wrong. This type of behavior teaches children that they can’t mention their other parent when they are with you because it is a taboo subject. They get that you don’t like your ex and your child is worried that if she takes your ex’s side not only will your feelings be hurt but that you will get angry as well. Not mentioning the other parent is the same as bad mouthing him or her.

Another trap that is easy to fall into is “I don’t interfere” disease.

“I’m not going to interfere. I’m not going to tell my children they have to abide by our parenting plan and go with their other parent because I’m not going to take sides.”

If you think this is not taking sides, you are mistaken. By not telling the children they have to go, you are telling them they don’t have to go. In most states, the parent with residential/physical custody is obligated to have children abide by the parenting plan and if they don’t obligate the children, the residential parent is in violation of the parenting time agreement.

You may not even realize that you’re placing your children smack in the middle of your divorce issues, but a therapist can help show you how to better handle these discussions with your children so that you do not transfer negative messages to them, however inadvertently.

Going to therapy will make your life easier.

So many of my clients have come into my office angry, and everything they do in the divorce process is motivated by that anger. There are others who are depressed and so crippled by it that they want other people to make their decisions for them. In both situations neither is happy with the final decisions/agreements. Some divorcing individuals have difficulty moving forward, and again the inability to move forward affects their ability to go through their divorce process. Most clients vent to their divorce attorney but really? Why are you paying your lawyer $250, $300, $400, $500 an hour to vent your anger when you could be paying the therapist for a hell of a lot less?

Whether it’s a mediation session or a settlement conference or your attorney is trying to have a meeting with you and you have all this anger, how can you reach a proper settlement? Or if you’re so depressed, how can you reach a settlement? If you are stuck in the mud because you can’t move forward, how can you make the best decisions for your future?

In my perfect world, both parties would seek therapy to guide them through the difficulties of divorce and help them learn how to deal with each other as divorced parents. lf divorcing clients could be more civil to each other and were able to think clearly while negotiating the issues, they would save so much time and money. In the Collaborative law process we have mental health professionals who are trained as coaches to help the parties deal with each other in a more civil manner. Even parties who are not divorcing through the collaborative process still can benefit from the training and experience of these individuals.

Almost all of the members of a divorcing family can benefit from therapy and depending upon the circumstances, insurance may cover some or all of it. From what I have seen in my practice, just having a professional there to listen to and talk you through what you’re feeling provides benefit. Don’t let your fear of being labeled prevent you from seeking the therapy you need.  

Source: http://www.mediateyournjdivorce.com/therapy-can-be-an-important-part-of-the-divorce-process/?goback=%2Egde_96041_member_230989222

Parents With Disabilities Have Greater Risk of Losing Custody of Their Children

A report from the National Council on Disability finds that parents with physical or mental disabilities have a greater risk of losing custody of their children. The study says that the U.S. legal system needs to provide more support for these parents. National Public Radio recently discussed the study in detail.

Click here to listen to the National Public Radio broadcast from “Talk of the Nation.” If you prefer to read it, the transcript appears below.

NEAL CONAN, HOST:

This is TALK OF THE NATION. I’m Neal Conan in Washington. Raising a family can be difficult at times, but parents with disabilities face additional challenges. A new study from the National Council on Disability finds they face discrimination at any number of levels. They are much more likely to losecustody of their children. They are more often denied adoption, and women with disabilities may be denied fertility treatments.

Authors of the report argue that parents with disabilities don’t get the legal protection or support they need, but there are cases where removing a child from a parent’s custody may be the only option.

If you have personal insight as a child, as a social worker or as a parent with a disability, call and tell us your story, our phone number 800-989-8255. Email us, talk@npr.org. You can also join the conversation on our website. That’s at npr.org. Click on TALK OF THE NATION.

Later in the program, Robert Lipsyte on the legacy of baseball union chief Marvin Miller. But we begin with Ella Callow, a lawyer who works with parents with disabilities and their families. She joins us now from a studio in Berkeley, California. Good to have you with us today.

ELLA CALLOW: Hi Neal, thank you for having me.

CONAN: And reports like this one, instructive but necessarily about broad strokes. Can you tell us about one family and what happened that kind of encapsulates these findings?

CALLOW: Yeah absolutely. This report is really – you know, I say it’s more like a compendium. It has so many examples and so many families. But I think that one family that I’ve worked with for a number of years sort of from the beginning of the process through hopefully soon completion really encapsulates the issue for me.

These are two parents who both have intellectual disabilities and are in a Midwestern area where there are not a great deal of resources available to them as people with disabilities. However, their child was removed from them at birth, basically, or just soon thereafter.

There was no abuse, there was no neglect, there was simply speculation that based on their disability and, you know, based on their IQ that they would be unfit to parent at some point, that their disability in and of itself posed a danger to their infant child.

I those are the most troubling types of cases because the people making the decisions often are not terrible well-versed in parenting with a disability. They don’t know, for example, that we have 20 years of research that shows that IQ is not predictive of parenting capacity in and of itself, and yet IQ testing is heavily relied on quite frequently to justify removals.

This family went to great efforts with support people to reach out and find resources. They contacted us, and we were able to ourselves – you cold-call universities in the state and find a psychologist who had familiarity with this population. She came, did a full assessment, came up with an excellent plan to safely reunify the child with her family over time.

And the plan was refused. The state refused to pick it up. They really didn’t want to deal with it, didn’t want to engage it. They just saw the alternative of this child remaining with her foster parent or being adopted as superior as an option to returning to her family.

They moved forward to have the parents’ rights terminated. Fortunately in this particular state, and very unusually child welfare cases are heard by juries. And so the jury found that the state had not met its obligation and had to try to work the plan or try to work with the family towards reunification, and they’re still in that process at this point.

We, you know, were unable to trigger findings by either Health and Human Services or involvement by the Department of Justice in the case. The Department of Justice doesn’t have the clearest jurisdiction over these types of issues, that’s Health and Human Services. But we were never able to get anyone to really find that this was discrimination.

And that’s sort of the problem, that after 25 years of working on this issue, very clear legal constitutional strategies to question the laws that make removal so easy has not emerged.

CONAN: This goes state by state, and you were talking about parents with cognitive disabilities. How old is the child now?

CALLOW: She’s four years old, and they’ve been in contact with her, and she is in their area, and they’re lucky because in many of these cases, the children, they really have no contact, or they’re moved quite a distance out of either necessity, there’s no one locally, or because the child – and many children in the child welfare system have disabilities themselves.

The child needs some sort of special care, and so they’re removed to a further location.

CONAN: Joining us now is Robyn Powell, who is an attorney advisor at the National Council on Disability and co-author of the study “Rocking the Cradle: Ensuring the Rights of Parents with Disabilities and their Children,” joins us from Cambridge, Massachusetts. Good of you to be with us today.

ROBYN POWELL: Thank you for having me.

CONAN: And we’re talking not just about people with cognitive disabilities but people with physical disabilities, too.

POWELL: Absolutely. This covers people with varying disabilities: people who are blind, people who are deaf, people who have psychiatric disabilities, people who have mobility disabilities. It’s an issue across disability.

CONAN: And as I’m sure you know better than I do, some of those people would say wait a minute, we don’t have disabilities.

POWELL: Oh absolutely, and so the estimates that currently 4.1 million disabled parents exist in the United States is certainly an underestimate, by and far.

CONAN: And you’ll forgive me, but why isn’t this covered under the Americans With Disabilities Act?

POWELL: Well, that’s an interesting question, and in the report, we argue that it is. Here we are 22 years after the passage of the ADA, and we have state laws that state that disability can be ground for termination of parental rights. I believe, the National Council on Disability believes, that this is in clear violation of the ADA.

CONAN: And I guess that remains to be – you remain to find a judge that will agree with you.

POWELL: Absolutely, and unfortunately it’s probably going to have to go to the Supreme Court to have that decided.

CONAN: In the meantime, we have stories like these, and the story that Ella Callow was telling us, that can be replicated for people who are blind, for people who are deaf.

POWELL: Yes absolutely. In Missouri back in 2010, we had a blind couple who lost custody of their child two days after she was born simply because a nurse oversaw that the mother was having trouble breastfeeding, which many new mothers do, and she reported it to Social Services that she thought that these parents were going to be unfit because they were blind.

The couple then had to endure a long fight. It was 57 days of not having their newborn with them. So this happens often, and it happens, again, across all disabilities.

CONAN: Let’s get some callers in on the conversation. We want to hear from those of you with insight into this, as parents with disabilities, as children of those parents or social workers yourselves, 800-989-8255. Email us, talk@npr.org. And Scott’s(ph) on the line with us from Pleasant Hill in California.

SCOTT: Yeah Neal, thank you for taking the call. I can’t believe how timely this is. My name is Scott, and I graduated Yale in ’91, and I have no cognitive problems, but I’ve had Hodgkin’s lymphoma four times. I was a Wall Street whistleblower, and currently I’m in – I spent about $40,000 that I don’t have, I’m permanently disabled, from bone marrow transplant, toxic treatments, et cetera.

But I’m OK now, and my twin daughters that we had through fertility treatments are about to be ruled through a public mediator that spent – went way over the allocated two-hour time limit. She spent four hours with us, but the entire – and I really try to be accurate with my statements – the – almost the entire four hours was spent where the mother of our girls and the court mediator, who is I think a social worker, a licensed clinical social worker, were on the offensive, asking me as sweat was pouring down my face because – and I was wearing a jacket and tie, and I tried so hard – that what was my team to support me.

And then, you know, as far as if I couldn’t walk that day, and I can get through taking care of my girls on a day or two, and I’ll rest on the third when they go back to their mom, that wasn’t even an issue. The mom painted a picture that wasn’t accurate.

And then finally, and I’ll try to be brief here, when the report came out, the judge even said that after reading the mediator’s report, which they accept because of the caseloads, they accept about nine out of 10, and the lawyer in Berkeley can correct me, but about 90 percent are accepted by the judges almost verbatim because they have to look at other factors in the divorce, separation case.

The judge ruled that this – it looked like a reunification plan, as if I were a felon getting out of jail after five years. And I just, I was shaking in the courtroom. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. So but anyway, I’m still about to lose custody, and I’ll need supervised visits, and I’m a perfectly capable father and want to be.

CONAN: Ella Callow, there are divorce cases, it would seem, and child custody cases stemming from them, I guess just on the basis of the statistics, there’s a lot of people in Scott’s situation.

CALLOW: Wow yeah, Scott brought up so many issues, and first of all, I’m so sorry for him that he’s dealing with this. It’s so difficult to be going through a custody battle in and of itself and then facing sort of discriminatory treatment at the same time is – just makes it unbearable for many people.

A couple of things he mentioned, you know, I would like to speak to. One yes, this is very common. And what people don’t realize is that while termination of parental rights, the jurisprudence involves the 14th Amendment, and so there’s a bit of a higher standard for the state to remove a child, that they have to show theoretically that a parent is unfit.

In family law cases, the standard is much lower. It’s the best interest of the child standard, and you’re not having the state intervene and take a child, it’s between two equally situated parents. So these parents sometimes face an even greater uphill battle, and they have no right to counsel, whereas in most termination of parental rights, child welfare cases, they do have counsel, even if they’re overwhelmed counsel.

The second thing is that he’s correct. Mediators are – the decisions of mediators on custody are followed in the state of California, where he’s located, upwards of 90 percent of the time. So if you lose in mediation, you’re going to have a very difficult time moving the case in the other direction. And social workers, and I have a social welfare degree from UC Berkeley, and there are wonderful social workers out there, but I’ll tell you that in my training and my experience, they don’t get much education on this topic despite the high number of parents they will encounter, especially if they’re working in child welfare.

But in either family or child welfare courts, they will be dealing with parental disability, and they’re not provided the education around what are best practices of these parents, what are assumptions and attitudinal biases you need to be aware of when working with them, when do you need to reach out for consultation or put into your reports that you don’t have expertise in this area. So it is problematic.

CONAN: And he also mentioned that his wife, or ex-wife I guess, was misrepresenting the facts, and obviously we don’t know the facts in this particular case, but that’s hardly unusual in some – in divorce cases.

CALLOW: Yeah, it’s – you know, I think we all understand as a society that it’s a time no one plans to be in, and emotions run very high, and everything tends to look more awful, and so paint worse pictures of one another, and disability can be mud they throw at the wall, seeing if it sticks.

CONAN: Scott, thank you very much for the call, and we’re sorry for your situation. We hope things work out.

SCOTT: How can I get a transcript? Thank you, Neal.

CONAN: Go to npr.org after the show is off the air, and we can help you out with that. Scott joined us from Pleasantville – Pleasant Hill, California. Stay with us. We’re talking about the rights of parents with disabilities. It’s the TALK OF THE NATION from NPR News.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

CONAN: This is TALK OF THE NATION from NPR News. I’m Neal Conan. A new study from the National Council on Disability estimates that more than six million children in the U.S. have parents with disabilities, and those with psychiatric or intellectual disabilities lose custody of their children at an incredible rate, as much as 80 percent of the time.

Clearly there are some cases where removing a child is necessary for the child’s health and safety, but the report’s authors believe that’s not the story here, that discrimination is at the root of these numbers. The Americans With Disabilities Act is supposed to protect those parents, but the report finds it’s not working out that way.

If this is your story, if you’ve been part of it as a child, a social worker or a parent, we’d like to hear from you, 800-989-8255. Email us, talk@npr.org. You can also join the conversation on our website. That’s at npr.org. Click on TALK OF THE NATION.

Robyn Powell, co-author of the National Council on Disability study, and Ella Callow of the National Center for Parents with Disabilities and Their Families, are our guests. And let’s see if we can get another call in. This is Leila(ph), Leila with us from Spring Harbor in Michigan.

LEILA: Hi.

CONAN: Hi.

LEILA: Hi, Neal.

CONAN: Go ahead, please.

LEILA: Well, I’m a licensed clinical social worker, and I actually practice in Indiana, and I’m really proud of our state. I don’t feel at all like we discriminate individuals with disabilities. I’ve worked with, you know, parents on both ends of the spectrum where I felt like I was placed in a home where it wasn’t safe, and we made every attempt to unify the parent with the children.

And then on the other end I’ve had a quadriplegic, you know, family that wants to have children, and we’ve helped to facilitate adoption to make that possible for that family. One family in particular where it was unfortunate, you know, we had two parents with intellectual disabilities, and the mom kept having multiple miscarriages, she didn’t know she was pregnant.

When I actually came into the home to work with the family and provide wraparound services, I mean she had a five-year-old, a three-year-old, a one-year-old, and then she had twins. She didn’t know she was pregnant, ended up actually losing one of the twins and the other baby was a high medical needs situation.

So I feel like – I don’t know what states this study included, but I feel in Indiana we really try to make every effort to provide services to families with special needs.

CONAN: And that decisions are made on a case-by-case basis and not reflexively saying if you’ve got disabilities, you’re disqualified.

LEILA: Absolutely, and we have great judges in our community that really work hard to make it possible to give supports to these types of families. But again, you know, in all reality it’s been my experience when you have families with some medical issues or high special needs, oftentimes the children have high special needs that require, you know, extra services that maybe some parents aren’t able to provide.

And if they don’t have family support, there has to be an alternative plan.

CONAN: Robyn Powell, did you look at Indiana?

POWELL: We looked across the country, and in our report we do show that over two-thirds of the states in the United States, their child welfare laws allow courts to reach the determination that a parent is unfit on the basis of the parent’s disability. I’m not sure at the moment whether Indiana is one of those states.

CALLOW: Indiana is not.

POWELL: Indiana is not. Okay.

CALLOW: No, so that is a difference.

POWELL: Right, absolutely, as Ella said, it’s absolutely the difference there.

CONAN: Well, Leila, thanks very much for the call.

LEILA: …to Indiana and see what we’re doing different.

CONAN: Thank you very much.

CALLOW: You know, and I also want to add that, you know, she touched on something really important, which is that families where the parents have greater needs themselves, sometimes the children do as well. The problem is that because the discrimination has been so incredibly pervasive over so many decades, and these parents face so much discrimination in their day-to-day lives, they’re often fearful of reaching out for any help because they understand that it renders them overexposed.

And once they become involved with that system, they don’t trust that their disability will not be used as something that grounds a removal as opposed to something that secures services for them. And that’s very frightening to us.

CONAN: Joining us now is Linda Spears, vice president of policy and public affairs at the Child Welfare League of America, joining us from her home in Upper Marlboro, Maryland. Thanks very much for being with us.

LINDA SPEARS: Good afternoon, thank you, Neal.

CONAN: And I knew these stories speak powerfully to you. I’m sure you have experience where these are awful decisions, sometimes difficult to make.

SPEARS: They are difficult decisions to make, and I think that there are a variety of factors that contribute and that say that I think everyone is right in this scenario, that there are lots of good workers out there trying to do the right thing, and at the same time there is an awful lot of discrimination and bias.

And I would differentiate between bias at the worker level and bias at the systemic level that affects these families, and I think even when workers try hard, there’s often bias at the systemic level – a lack of resources targeted to these families, a lack of policy that supports getting families preventive services before a child welfare intervention is needed.

The nation is replete with a lack of prevention and early intervention services for all kinds of families in the child welfare system. But I think that the impact on very vulnerable adults with disabilities, children with disabilities, can be very disproportionate. So it’s a complicated question.

CONAN: You raise an interesting point, though, about resources. There are situations where either through interventions of one sort of another, early intervention, as you mentioned, but also either physical or having somebody come by the house every once in a while, where that might make it possible for people to keep their children.

SPEARS: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I mean we’ve – you know, exactly. I look at the system – I have elderly parents. I look at the system we have in our country, which is woefully inadequate but still exists, that provides elderly folks with in-home aid, with support services, where the variety of things to enable them to maintain their independent functioning for as long as they are health-wise able to.

We don’t have such a thing for people with disabilities who are parenting. We may have some things for them as disabled individuals that function well, but as parents, in their role as parents, there’s not a lot out there that really targets this population of families, provides them with supports so that they’re not at risk of getting into trouble and so that they’re not afraid to go and access the service, as Robyn just mentioned.

Families are often fearful to go to the child welfare system for preventive or early intervention services, and that’s with good reason. The child welfare system is designed in a way that is really oriented towards punitive measures, toward deficit functioning. Many child welfare systems are trying to switch that orientation, but we have a statutory framework in this country that says failing to parent gets you support and not desiring to parent.

CONAN: That’s interesting.

SPEARS: And I think that’s a really fundamental problem in the way that we provide our services. Now, that said, we don’t want, you know, sort of a policy and government overreach in the families’ lives. But at the same time, when families struggle, when families need support and don’t have any place to go, and then you set up an intervention so that it punishes them for seeking or needing help, it seems unreasonable.

CONAN: Here’s – I just wanted to get to this email from Diane(ph) in Battle Creek in Michigan: My husband’s aunt is intellectually challenged and is married to a man also intellectually challenged. They both hold jobs and own their home. Before they got married, however, my husband’s grandmother, the mother of the aunt, had her daughter, the aunt, sterilized so she could not have any children.

The rationale was the couple would not have been able to care for the child. And Ella Callow, does that sort of thing go on?

CALLOW: Yeah, I mean we have 100 years of really bad policy around parenting with this population, sadly. You know, sterilization, which render people physically unable to have children, and institutionalization, which segregated them out of society so they didn’t have opportunity to become parents, were the way this population was dealt with.

Eugenics is based largely on concerns that they would reproduce and that it would be bad for children and bad for society. After de-institutionalization and this sort of – the disability self-determination movement, disability rights movement, they went out into the world and the mantra became not it’s bad for society but it’s bad for children, for them to have children.

And there are still states with laws on the book that allow for sterilization, though it’s very few, and it’s through judicial process at this point. But people are talked into it. And I think, you know, Robyn can speak to the issue that women with disabilities face when they’re interfacing with the medical community, the assumptions that are made about whether they should have children and what are the proper choices for them.

CONAN: And Robyn, I wanted to ask you particularly about fertility treatments.

POWELL: Absolutely, well, first back to what Ella had mentioned. I’m a woman with a physical disability, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been offered a hysterectomy.

So it was not even through just sterilization, through traditional systems. But every time I go to the doctors, they suggest that for me. I don’t have a medical reason to have one. I’m only 31 years old. I’d like to have children. And so there is this belief among society – and the health care profession, as well – that people with disabilities do not want to have children or cannot – want – have children, and so that carries on to the fertility treatment. Providers of assisted reproductive technologies are often discriminating against prospective parents who have disabilities based solely on their presumption that this individual should not have a child.

CONAN: Let’s see if we get another caller in. This is Rachel, Rachel with us from Hampton in South Dakota.

RACHEL: Yes. Thank you. I’m coming from being a children’s advocate in the hospital setting. I’m actually a child life specialist, which is not the same as a social worker. We work with children and families to promote ideal development, and also to try and prevent unnecessary stress and trauma and to facilitate coping for families. However, often, I came across – I don’t want to say battles, but maybe a battle of wills with sometimes social work staff, sometimes physicians, when they would realize that one of the kids – when a child was sent home, and perhaps they were being sent home with a medication regimen, or if they had a chronic illness, that when the parents were illiterate, that meant they were unable to care for their children.

CONAN: Illiterate?

RACHEL: And I thought…

POWELL: Yeah.

RACHEL: Yes. And I thought…

CONAN: There were several thousand, tens of thousands of years of human history where all parents were illiterate.

(LAUGHTER)

RACHEL: Well, that’s…

POWELL: Right.

RACHEL: …the whole thing, and I would then – you know, well, they have to give the medicine and they have to give it at the right time. And I, you know, constantly set up charts and show them how I – you know, we can make a chart, and this parent – you know, these parents would show unbelievable care for their children in the hospital. And then suddenly, it was, oh, my gosh. This mom can’t read, and this kid has sickle cell disease. Well, this kid has been coming to us for 12 years, and no one’s ever noticed that before? Because I know I’ve made charts for her for 10 years.

And so it’s been really – that, to me, was one of the things that was most difficult, is when kids come into the hospital, people haven’t recognize it or acknowledge it or had a problem with it yet. But if some child came in, let’s say, because she had a serious infection and said she had to go home on an antibiotic regimen, or maybe a parent had to be taught how to clean a child’s central line, but these parents showed all of – they were doing all of that in the hospital. And then we would get recommendations that, you know, perhaps this child should go to foster care because for whatever reason, whatever the disability be – and I’d tell you illiteracy is a big one. But that, you know, they just may not be able to do this, even though they’ve proven themselves. And so fortunately, I am a strong will and…

(LAUGHTER)

CONAN: Sounds like it.

CALLOW: Yeah.

RACHEL: …and a very strong advocate because most of the time, I was able to prove that, no, I think we’re absolutely wrong and documenting them. You have to document, document, document in the hospital what you’ve seen this parent do so that people know, because that’s the other thing. When people come in and parents are – who had disabilities and they’re noticeable, instantly, they are labeled by many people in a hospital setting.

CALLOW: Yup.

RACHEL: And right away, discharge to foster care is being considered from almost the day they come into the hospital.

CONAN: Rachel, thank you very much. That’s an alarming story…

RACHEL: Yeah.

CONAN: …but thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

RACHEL: It is, but it’s something for people to be aware and to help these parents.

CONAN: Thank you again. We’re talking…

CALLOW: You know – I’m sorry, Neal. I just wanted to interject. You know, between the first caller, Neal, who’s in our area didn’t contact us, and Rachel who’s out there fighting battles in South Dakota on her own, I do want to mention that the National Center, which I direct legal programs for, is Through the Looking Glass. Our agency, we’re a local agency in Berkeley. We serve about 400 families a year doing preventative services, assessments of parents so that we have generated evidence that parents can or cannot safely parent.

We work with children with disabilities, as well. And, you know, if people like Rachel feel like they’re isolated and they want some help, we have free legal technical assistance and, you know, can provide a lot of information to them, and people like, Neal, you know, contact us.

CONAN: Ella Callow is legal program director at the National Center for Parents with Disabilities. Also with us, Robyn Powell, attorney adviser at the National Council on Disability, and Linda Spears, vice president of policy and public affairs at the Child Welfare League of America. You’re listening to TALK OF THE NATION, from NPR News. And, Robyn Powell, let me turn back to you for a moment. Is inability to read defined as a disability?

POWELL: It can be, actually, yes. If it is really to an intellectual disability, I undoubtedly think it could be. And it’s that – what she brought up is a huge issue. When parents with disabilities bring their children either into the hospital or even to the pediatrician, they’re facing health care providers that have these biases. We spoke with parents who had their child’s pediatrician report them to child welfare for no reason. The investigation was completely unfounded, but they believe it was really to their disability.

And again, this is happening often, and this is a detriment not only to the parent, but it’s a detriment to the child. It’s very stressful to have your parents being investigated. It has huge cost to both the parent and the child.

CONAN: There is another, I guess, definition of disability. To include the deaf would be – many would find offensive. They have, obviously, their own language, their own culture. This is an entire community.

POWELL: Yes. That’s a great point, and some deaf folks do not consider themselves disabled. Nonetheless, we did talk with many deaf parents when we were writing this report, and they have similar issues. They’ve also encountered bias and discrimination within the child welfare system, where they bring up language issues. They state that the children are not learning a language because sign language is their first language at home. And so the deaf community is experiencing similar issues, absolutely.

CONAN: And we’re talking about legal recourse on the federal level, or is this going to be a battle that worked out state by state?

POWELL: Well, I think it’s going to have to involve both state level and federal level mediation. We really need to change the law federally. I mean, it’s certainly the best and most comprehensive way to approach this. But nonetheless, states need to also look at their child welfare centers, look at theirfamily law statutes and change how disability is included – remove disability as a ground for termination of parental rights. In our report, we offer model legislation, which we urge both the states and the national government to really adopt as soon as possible, urging Congress to look at this issue, similarly to how they looked at the Indian Child Welfare Act. When that was adopted, that was adopted because Native American families were encountering similar barriers.

CONAN: Robyn Powell, coauthor of the study “Rocking the Cradle: Ensuring the Rights of Parents with Disabilities and their Children.” Thank you very much for your time.

POWELL: Thank you.

CONAN: Ella Callow, thank you for your time, as well.

CALLOW: Thank you, Neal.

CONAN: And we’d also like to thank Linda Spears of the policy and Public Affairs Center at the Child Welfare League of America. Coming up next: the legacy of Marvin Miller. This is NPR News.

Source: http://herstontennesseefamilylaw.com/2013/04/15/parents-with-disabilities-have-greater-risk-of-losing-custody-of-their-children/

‘Divorce from hell’ began with $5,400 monthly alimony offer, ended with $1,500 installments

A month after their 2008 divorce case was filed in Pinellas County, Fla., Terry Power offered to pay his wife of nearly 20 years $5,400 per month in alimony until he retired, and $50,000 in cash.

He also was willing to give Murielle Marie Helene Fournier half of the contents of their opulent home; it was upside down, so they had no equity in it, the Tampa Bay Times reports.

Both in their 50s, the two were used to living an upscale lifestyle. But Power’s $250,000-a-year business wasn’t doing well, and while he and Fournier spent nearly five years litigating what the newspaper describes as a “divorce from hell,” some $400,000 went to attorney and expert fees.

Initially cooperative, Power became more angry and resistant the longer the process continued. After enduring the litigation tactics employed by his wife’s lawyers and watching the costs of the case mount, he began representing himself and used some of the same tactics. He also went further, defying court orders and refused to pay bills he said he didn’t have the money to satisfy. At one point, Fournier told a Times reporter, she went for weeks without running water at home, because it had been shut off.

Judges in theory had the power to enforce their orders, but often didn’t take decisive action as the hard-fought case dragged on, the newspaper recounts. (Threatened at one point with a 30-day jail term if he didn’t ante up, Power paid what was required.) The court system also appeared unable to deal effectively with a situation in which much the same arguments were, seemingly, made again and again without resolution.

“I’m trapped in the system, I can never break out. It’s like Groundhog Day,” Power told the newspaper at one point, referring to the movie in which Bill Murray’s character relives the same 24-hour period again and again.

In November, a decision arrived in Power’s mail from the judge—the fourth to preside over the case. It awarded Fournier $1,500 per month in permanent alimony. However, Fournier would have to make a $525 per month child support payment to Power, resulting in an effective alimony amount of just under $1,000, in the immediate future.

Both Fournier and Power told the newspaper the legal system had failed them. Power, saying he was working to get his business back in the black, planned to contest the $87,000 he owed in back alimony. Fournier, who reportedly had turned down his initial $5,400-a-month alimony offer because her legal counsel had told her she could do better, was bitter.

“The thing is, right now Terry’s living very, very well, and I have no money,” she told the newspaper. “He was able to do whatever he wanted with this system…he got angrier and angrier, and it got out of control. If you look at Terry, he didn’t follow I don’t know how many orders, and he was never held accountable.”

 

Source: http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/divorce_from_hell_began_with_6.5k_monthly_alimony_offer_ended_with_1.5k_awa/?utm_source=maestro&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=weekly_email&goback=%2Egde_96041_member_231909030