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In this instalment of Stowe guests, we are joined by Sheila Turner from Turner & Johnson Mediation.

Based in central London, Sheila Turner and Philippa Johnson offer families a professional and sensitive mediation service, working alongside other professionals including legal advisers, as appropriate, to help couples to identify alternatives to going to court.

Today we are joined by Sheila as she gives some valuable advice on how to tell the children you are separating and what to say afterwards.

There is no question this is a really difficult conversation to have; you are probably dreading it. Nothing will make it ‘easy’ but here are some guidelines that should help to make it a less traumatic experience for all of you.

Most importantly tell your child together

If you have more than one child tell all the children together as an entire family – even if you want to be a million miles away from your co-parent you need to show your child that you can still present a united front. Every time you want to convey a piece of information always start the sentence, “Dad/Mum and I have discussed ************** and we both think that we should try ******”. It helps children to deal with their changing circumstances when they feel that both parents have made the decision to separate.

Discuss with your ex-partner a clear and simple narrative explaining why your relationship has broken down and stick to the agreed narrative. Too many details will only muddy the waters and can often be information overload. However, the older the child the more questions you will be asked. Try to be as honest as possible without criticising your co-parent as the child will take this criticism personally and hear it as criticism about them.

Explain that you are still both your child’s parents and that just because you will be living in two separate homes that doesn’t mean that you are not still a family. Your child’s sense of family is really important.

Keep information short and concise.

Your child will not want to hear the emotional bits around the edge. He or she will only be interested in what is happening to them. Much better to answer questions as they come up rather than bombard your child with too much information. You should expect to have many more conversations with your child over the coming months – stick to the agreed narrative whether you are together or on your own with your child.

Make sure that you say very clearly that this is a grown-up problem and not in any way the children’s responsibility. You may well feel that an honest narrative involves blame – but blame won’t help your child, who needs to love and respect both of you and if blame is flying around your child is most likely to blame him or herself.

It is OK to say that you don’t know the answer to a particular question but you will need to reassure your child that once a decision has been made WE will talk about it with you.

Let your child deal with the conversation as they want to.

Be prepared for an emotional response and acknowledge that this is a very difficult time for everyone – equally, it may be that your child closes down and doesn’t want to talk to you about their emotional response then and there. That too is OK. Take your lead from the child.

It is normal for children to want their parents to be back together. They might engineer occasions when this happens, poor behaviour at school, the school calls both parents in to discuss, mystery illness etc. The sooner you can get to a good working co-parenting relationship so that your child knows that you are working together for them, the better.

If you are considering mediation, as part of the mediation process children aged 10 and over (and sometimes younger) are invited to speak to a specially trained family mediator, to discuss how they are feeling, if anything can be done better or what might be difficult for them. With the child’s permission, the mediator will feedback to the parents the messages that their child wanted the mediator to pass on. In our experience children enjoy these meetings; many say that they liked being given the chance to explain what is important to them.

Sheila Turner
Turner & Johnson Mediation

sheila@turnerjohnsonmediation.co.uk

The post Stowe guests: Top tips on how to tell the children you are separating by Turner & Johnson Mediation appeared first on Stowe Family Law.

As I reported here on Friday, last week the Government published its long-awaited review of the effects of the legal aid cuts introduced in 2013. To deal with the problems identified in the review an additional £8 million of funding was announced. But that is little more than a sticking plaster to cover the gaping wound caused by cutting £350 million per year from the legal aid budget. The problems will continue.

Those problems were highlighted in a judgment published just one day after the review: the judgment of Mr Justice Williams in R (A Child: Appeal: Termination of Contact).

The judgment concerned an appeal by a father against orders made in child arrangements proceedings in relation to his 12 year old son. In particular, the father was appealing against an order that he have only indirect contact with his son.

The case was complicated. It had a long history, stretching back to 2013. It involved findings against both parties, including serious findings against the mother, the most serious of which was that she had alienated the child from his father, as a result of which the child had suffered and/or remained at risk of suffering from significant long-term emotional harm. It also involved the local authority, and expert evidence from a clinical psychologist. There had been five ring binders of evidence at the hearing from which the appeal was made. If all of that were not enough, the case had an added complication in that the mother is profoundly deaf, and had to be assisted at court by both a deaf intermediary and two British Sign Language interpreters.

The judge in the court below had ordered that the boy should live with the mother, and that he was only to have indirect contact with his father by means of the father sending letters cards or gifts by post once per month for six months, and thereafter fortnightly. The judge also ordered that the father could not make any further applications without the leave of the court.

The father appealed against these orders, to the High Court.

Neither the father nor the mother could afford legal representation at the hearing in the High Court. They were, however, both represented by barristers acting ‘pro bono’, i.e. without charge, which led Mr Justice Williams to say this:

“That counsel for the father and for the mother should appear pro bono in such a complex case as this is in the finest traditions of the legal profession. Up and down the country, counsel, solicitors and legal executives fill the gaping holes in the fabric of legal aid in private law cases because of their commitment to the delivery of justice.”

He went on:

“Without such public-spirited lawyers how would those such as the father and mother in this case navigate the process and present their cases? How judges manage to deliver justice to the parties and an appropriate judgment for the child without such assistance in cases like this begs the question. It is a blight on the current legal aid system that cases such as this do not attract public funding.”

And he concluded with a swipe at the stereotype so many people have of lawyers:

“So far removed from the stereotyped ‘fat-cat,’ the legal profession in cases such as this are more akin to Boxer in George Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’ always telling themselves “I will work harder.”

“It is a blight on the current legal aid system that cases such as this do not attract public funding.” So says a High Court judge. And yet nowhere amongst the measures set out by the government in its “new vision for legal support” published alongside the review is a commitment to provide legal aid for cases such as this.

And what happens if one or both of the parents is not lucky enough to secure free representation? It must happen. There is only so much that lawyers can do for free, and it is nowhere remotely near what used to be done under legal aid. The answer is that parents, and more importantly children, will not receive justice, as simple as that.

For the purpose of this post I need not go into the detail of Mr Justice Williams’ decision on the appeal, save to say that it was allowed. If you want all of the details you can read the full judgment here.

The post Judge bemoans lack of legal aid in complex children cases appeared first on Stowe Family Law.