Alexander Graham Bell’s Birthday

Alexander Graham Bell

Today we celebrate the birthday of Alexander Graham Bell, born on this day in 1847. Bell invented the telephone (among other things) and was the founder of AT&T. (He also has some less-than-noble elements in his biography, such as his involvement in the eugenics movement. Yuck.) If you make or receive a phone call today, remember Bell. And just think what phones might have been like if they’d been invented by a guy named Buzz.

Image credit: Harris & Ewing [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons


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Author: Joe Kissell

Marriage Therapy is Cheaper Than Divorce?

Apologies in advance for what is going to be an emotional post. To be honest, I’m already tearing up writing these first few lines, can’t wait to see what will happen by the end.

As someone whose marriage was on the rocks for years (but tried my best to cover it up or make it work), and also had really tight financial situations most of the time, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard


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Author: Penniless Parenting

How to Be Money Smart in 2019

A few months into the new year, and hopefully if you had finance related resolutions, hopefully you’ve managed to stick to them. If not, here’s some more ideas from a reader how you can be money smart this year; its never too late to implement.

The cost of living is on the rise and, for many people, this means money is tight. Regardless of your financial situation, having more money in the


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Author: Penniless Parenting

Carfree Cities

The Hague car-free city center

Revenge of the pedestrian

I’m sure that without too much effort, I could write a book of stories about all the misadventures I’ve had with cars in my lifetime. Cars that have broken down at inconvenient times and places. That used-car salesman who swindled me. Mechanics who couldn’t diagnose a simple problem after weeks of trying and many hundreds of dollars spent. Accidents. Wrong turns. Break-ins. Traffic jams. Leaky roofs. Road rage. Running out of gas. Parking tickets. Getting towed. Car payments and insurance so high I could barely pay my rent. The time I got hit by a car while walking across a city street because a driver was playing with his cell phone instead of watching the traffic light. Or the time, when I was living in Texas, that I urgently needed to conduct a transaction at the bank after the main lobby had closed. The drive-through teller window was open late, but I didn’t have a car at the time. I walked up to the window and the teller yelled at me, insisting that it would be an egregious violation of bank policy to serve a pedestrian.

I think just about everyone who has driven a car for more than a couple of years has plenty of stories like these—stories about cars that get our blood boiling. Stories that almost make us say, “Forget it, I’m getting rid of my car.” Almost. But despite the fact that the costs of cars, gasoline, insurance, and maintenance are on the rise, despite decreasing gas mileage and increased pollution, despite every frustration they’ve ever caused, the vast majority of us would no sooner part with our cars than quit our jobs. We hate them and yet we love them, because we need them.

Losing My Drive

And yet…some of us don’t. I, for one, lived contentedly without a car for about 10 years altogether—mostly while I was in San Francisco and Paris. (Of course, public transit is good in those places, I worked from home, and I could conveniently rent a car when no other option was suitable. Needless to say, this sort of lifestyle wouldn’t work for everyone.) Then there are people who live in cities that are mostly or entirely car-free. Venice is usually the first example mentioned—a place where there is simply nowhere to put roads. Although such cities are few and far between, wherever historical, architectural, or topographical considerations make it impossible for a city to accommodate cars, the residents always seem to adapt, to find other ways to get where they need to go—or to bring the things they need closer to them.

According to J.H. Crawford, author of the 2002 book Carfree Cities, a well-planned urban environment that’s carefully engineered to avoid the need for cars has many advantages besides saving its residents money. It’s quieter, cleaner, safer, more conducive to exercise and human interaction, and for a long list of other reasons, a happier and more peaceful place to live. Citing numerous examples of car-free areas, particularly in Europe, Crawford makes a persuasive case that as long as folks can get where they need to go, when they need to get there, the seemingly retro life of a pedestrian is an idyllic possible future for many urban dwellers. In a city designed according to Crawford’s plan, every resident’s basic needs would be available within a five-minute walk, and any point in a city—even one with a million people—would be reachable from any other point by public transit within 35 minutes.

Putting the Brakes On

As someone who has greatly enjoyed living without a car when feasible and visiting several car-free towns, I think the notion of building an entirely car-free city is splendid. But maybe I’m just a sucker for lost causes. The barriers to accomplishing such a thing are considerable, to say the least.

For one thing, an ideal implementation of Crawford’s design would require a new city to be built from scratch; retrofitting an existing city with the necessary infrastructure to avoid the need for cars is a shockingly difficult proposition—not only because of the sheer amount of work required, but because it can be tough to convince existing car owners to part with their vehicles, no matter how convenient life could be made without them. For another thing, residents would have to trust all their transportation needs to the city government or designated private enterprises. What if the bureaucracy running the city’s transportation system becomes corrupt? What if transit workers go on strike? What if a massive power failure, terrorist attack, or civil uprising makes it impossible to get around? These and many other “what ifs” would require some pretty convincing answers if hundreds of thousands of people were to accept the idea as reasonable.

On the other hand, it’s not as though Crawford is a lone voice in the urban wilderness. There’s a large and growing international carfree movement, which, in addition to promoting the notion of car-free places (of which there are already many), encourages the use of bicycles and improved public transport. Around the world, numerous cities have already gone car-free or are moving in that direction.

Although I routinely go days at a time without driving, the realities of life in my San Diego neighborhood and the needs of my two young kids make a car-free life infeasible for me right now. (For example, it’s frequently the case that places we can get to by car in 10 minutes would take an hour and a half by public transit.) I don’t know whether I’ll ever be fortunate enough to live in a car-free city, but if and when the time comes for us to move, the ability to get around mostly or entirely without a car will certainly be a major factor in choosing our new home.

Note: This is an updated version of an article that originally appeared on Interesting Thing of the Day on November 19, 2004.

Image credit: João Pimentel Ferreira [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons


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Author: Joe Kissell

National Read Across America Day

Garrison leaders read Dr. Seuss to kids at CDC

Today is the birthday of Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel), who would have been 115 today. It’s also the date designated by the National Education Association in the U.S. as National Read Across America Day. Most public schools (including the ones my kids attend) celebrated the holiday yesterday, since today is a Saturday, but libraries and bookstores across the country are holding events today to honor the legacy of Dr. Seuss and encourage kids to read more.

Image credit: Presidio of Monterey [Public domain], via Flickr


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Author: Joe Kissell

Paleo Tom Kha Gai Soup Recipe; Easy, Gluten Free, and Delicious Thai Hot and Sour Soup (Vegan Option)

One of my favorite things to do is recreate foods that I’ve eaten at a restaurant at home and in a way that is suitable to my diet (gluten free, egg free, etc). So far I’ve done it with Chinese restaurant food: pineapple chicken, corn soup, sesame chicken, moo goo gai pan, Middle Eastern: shawarma, falafel, Italian: three cheese sauce, pizza, and Thai: curried noodles with chicken, corn soup 


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Author: Penniless Parenting

Why it’s important to keep on top of your credit report

I live in a country that doesn’t have credit scores, but I know how important a good credit score is for people who live in countries with such a system. Here’s a post from a reader on why you keep on top of your credit score.

Credit reports are a lot more than what they appear to be. It is not all about making sure that we can get credit if we need it. For others, it’s about making sure


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Author: Penniless Parenting

Lost sense of self: When a narcissist meets an echoist…

We have all heard of the narcissist. In fact, I have written an article recently on how to identify if you are married to one on this blog.

Throughout my years advising clients I have encountered many cases where the narcissist behaviours of one party have dominated the whole relationship leading to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.

But what of the people married or in a relationship with a narcissist? It’s time to meet the echoist; not an officially recognised condition but a term that was popularised in the 2016 book Rethinking Narcissism by Craig Malkin and is gaining momentum.

Now, I shall start with the caveat that not all echoists are in relationships with narcissists. That would be too simplistic. However, the two personality types are intrinsically linked.

What is an echoist?

In a nutshell, an echoist is the opposite of a narcissist. Consider the following statements:

Narcissist: Look at what you did wrong? The narcissist copes by blaming everyone else.
Echoist: What did I do wrong? The echoist copes by blaming themselves.

An echoist is someone who puts everyone else’s needs and feelings first and at the expense of their own. People pleasers, they cannot bear praise and hate being the centre of attention. They don’t like to talk about themselves but are great listeners. They blame themselves when things go wrong regardless of where the fault lies.

All in all, a perfect mix for a narcissist who will seek out (consciously or subconsciously) people that verify their importance and allow them to dominate with minimal return required. A narcissist may often arrive on the scene as the rescuer, but this never plays out to be the case.

However, an echoist is not a doormat. Smart, intelligent, kind and warm-hearted people, they are often more emotionally sensitive and aware than others. They are the ones that always pick up on a bad atmosphere in the room or an underlying argument.

Many people root the development of echoist behaviours forming in childhood with a dominating narcissist parent or family member creating a learnt behaviour that they must repress their own feelings to be loved; that they must give everything and accept very little back. Imagine a parent that erupts over the smallest of things and it is never their fault. In the end, you would learn to anticipate the situation and change your behaviour to avoid it.

Echoists and relationships

An echoist can easily get stuck in an unhealthy relationship where they feel unworthy, unlovable and everything is their fault. This can quickly cause anxiety, depression and loss of hope as they struggle with connection and expressing their needs.

They can easily lose their voice, their sense of self. I have seen many clients at the start of the divorce process that try to take up as little space in the world as possible, ask for as little as possible and put themselves at a very long line of other people.

But it can change, and I have seen the results myself.

New beginnings

Before I turn to what can be done I would like to express that if you are in an abusive relationship you must seek help immediately. I have detailed some useful links at the end of the article.

Counselling can certainly help here. An echoist needs to start to understand feelings and feel them – not fear them. Emotions such as anger and resentment are all perfectly normal emotions. By accepting them, you learn to voice them and start to develop more equal relationships where you can say you are not happy and ask for things.

An echoist also needs to learn to question situations and break the default that it is all their fault, or they are too sensitive. Ask yourself what am I getting from this relationship? Why is it making me feel sad or lonely? Healthy relationships create a space for vulnerability.

You can unlearn bad habits with professional support, time and the desire to break the old relationship patterns to get your voice back.

If you are affected by anything in this article the following websites are useful resources:

Relate
Woman’s aid
The Echo Society

The post Lost sense of self: When a narcissist meets an echoist… appeared first on Stowe Family Law.


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Author: Julian Hawkhead